10 things I HATE about Newcastle United

by Teflon

Wednesday, May 20th, 2009

1 – Hair Cuts

Newcastle players over the last 30 years have been renowned to have rubbish haircuts, really starting with Kevin Keegans Perm and Terry McDermotts… well….”mop”. Since then they have had some terrible barnets. Andy Carroll and Fabricio Coloccini are the most recent victims of having rubbish haircuts but also I need to mention Barry Venisons mullet, Darren Peacocks pony tail and Joey Bartons prison look.

2 – King Kev

There are no doubts that Keegan was a good player, but did you know he only stayed at Newcastle for 2 seasons? As a manager Keegans claim to fame is signing Alan Shearer and selling Andy Cole. He actually did nothing else in the five years between 1992-1997 but still the fans call him “King Kev” what exactly is he king of? His second stint was comical with a lot of heavy defeats and couldn’t register many points on the board… Then with all the media drama Keegan resigned after Mike Ashley stole his teddy bear. My verdict: Primadonna

3 – Mike Ashley

The best thing Mike Ashley ever did was chug a pint down on live TV at the Emirates whilst wearing a King Kev shirt… Not only was this breaking strict policies around Europe about no drinking in the stands but he also showed just how common he is. Had to laugh that on 70 minutes the TV showed the fat git leaving the ground after being 3-0 down. Mike has the potential to be a great business man, but he buckles to pressure too easily. His managerial appointments have been suspect to say the least. Ashley WILL get Newcastle in a lot more trouble that they are in now if he doesn’t change his ways.

4 – Toon Army

The most delusional fans in the country. They actually think they have the right to win trophy’s due to the size of their stadium. They are the first to get on a managers/players back if they perform badly. Their numbers are impressive and their love for their poor excuse for a club is undoubtable one of the best in the country, but they need to realize that Newcastle will never be more than a glorified mid table club.

5 – Joey Barton

Do I really need to explain why? How this poor excuse for a human being was ever given the chance to represent England at international level is beyond me! Then again it was Steve McClown who gave him his cap. Joey is like the love child of Noel Gallagher and Ricky Hatton… so it comes to no surprise he is very good friends with both of them. He was charged with common assault and affray, and was sentenced to six months in prison in 2008 while his brother went away for 17 years after murdering a teenager. His footballing career surely must nearly be over after he has had many public brawls with his teammates the latest coming after a red card vs Liverpool for a “cowards tackle”. Barton was told to stay away from the club. As a result, Barton’s future at Newcastle United is currently in doubt. The club suspension was widely reportedly to have resulted not directly from the red card, but from a dressing room confrontation with Shearer. Barton said that he was the best player at the club and that Shearer was “a s**t manager with s**t tactics”. Former manager Sam Allardyce is reported to be interested in taking Barton to Blackburn Rovers.

6 – Joey f****n’ Barton

I hate him so much he must deserve a 2nd mention!

7 – David Ginola

How can any man compete with him! Seriously… Ask a woman to name 5 good looking footballers! Ginola will be the top of the list. To make it even worse… He’s bloody French!

8 – Michael Owen

I don’t HATE Michael Owen, but I do hate the fact there is so much debate about him! The player is burnt out and peaked too early in his career. His time at Newcastle has been poor. In my opinion he is a Championship player and nothing more.

9 – Northern Rock

I find it very comical that the sponsors of Newcastle were so tight for cash last year that the public had to buy the bank to keep it floating. Surely if they didn’t pile money into a crap football team they wouldn’t lose as much? The fact they still sponsor Newcastle and still pay them is a slap in the face to the tax payers money. Technically… YOU, yes you… the man reading this article have paid for a Newcastle player’s wages. How sick does that make you feel?

10 – Newcastle’s Goalkeepers

Shaka Hislop, Pavel Srnicek, Shay Given… all sound like cocktails to me. Shaka was one of the “Could have beens” He represented England at U21 level but then realized he wasn’t that good and ended up playing for Trinidad and Tobago for 21 caps, Pavel was with the club for 7 years… anyone who stays in Newcastle that long must be mad, and Shay Given… A good keeper… but really is he THAT good? Man City could have had anyone and they chose him when he’s nearing the end of his career… Personally I think he is good keeper who was made to look better due to having an extremely poor defense. Steve Harper waited so long for his chance and now he has it and is looking at relegation, no doubt he will be replaced next season as he is nothing more than a number 13!

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  • stevie

    what about those fans who go to the matches with their tops off showing their big fat ugly pot belly wots wots

  • Martin Tibbetts

    Bit harsh, I can’t realy see why the geordies would inspire such hatred. Yes Keegan is massively over rated. Yes they have been owned by crooks and morons over recent years, and they employed Dennis Wise and Joey Barton which is unforgiveable, but Newcastle is a club with real fans. They live and breathe the club, support them well in huge numbers and stay in the ground to the end regardless of results. Frankly the club has a following the likes of Chelsea and Arsenal can only dream of, so should be applauded for that.

  • Arnaud

    I didn’t get it about Ginola ? you like it or not ? Be careful about what you say about frenchies… Wenger, Henry, Viera, Pires, Petit, Grimaldi, Flamini, and now Sagna, Clichy, Nasri, and I’m sure i forgot some !
    And an Arsenal fan should be a bit more quiet about other teams fans, especially because supporting teams fighting for relegation year after year is probably more difficult than anything else…
    And what you said about goalkeepers could be said for any other professional english team (except Chelsea now maybe)

  • Tef1on

    Ginola is what women saw as a perfect man, nice body, good looks and french charm!

    As for the Arsenal “Spectators”… http://blog.ukfootballfinder.co.uk/?p=111

    I have the same opinion…

  • http://reassessthepress.wordpress.com Sam

    Woah there Teflon – sounds like you’re advertising the man for speed dating. I’m taken. But more must be made of Dennis flipping Wise!!! He started earning a decent rep in lower league football with Swindon and Leeds and then sold his soul to the devil in Mike Ashley form to sit behind the desks somewhere deep within St James’ to quietly cock up the club even more. He’s an absolute Toon and reveals all that is wrong with boardroom football.

  • Tef1on

    How the hell did i miss of Dennis Wise?!?! Man!!!

  • http://www.freewebs.com/park-academics-fc Daveyboy

    But Newcastle did win a Cup about 50 years ago so they are a big club and deserve to win everything……………………….NOT!!!!!!

    I think Newcastle fans need to wake up and smell the coffee, I can see them going the same way as Leeds have

  • Patrick

    Surely Newcastle inspire more laughter than hatred. They’re a proper comedy club. I’d love, love it, if they went down this weekend.

  • Dexy Longshot

    But that would mean my annual pilgrimage to the the Pig Market and the Bigg & Whistle will be but a dream. I don’t fancy commuting from Sunderland and Middlesborough to get my Geordie fix.

  • Ash

    Owen a championship player? You wait for that humble pie!

  • http://www.ukfootballfinder.co.uk Darren

    Dear Mr Ashley, I would like to offer you a packet of Tescos finest sausages in return for your football club, I feel this is a very generous offer. I look forward to hearing from you

  • http://www.jongleursevents.com/content/marketing-solutions Clark

    I’ve just finished vomiting after reading number nine. The comedy sponsorship of the club is sickening. Mike Ashley is a buffoon, he looks like a lot of stand up comedians out there. In fact, if I wanted to hire a comedian I would hire Mike Ashley and tell him not to tell any jokes but just bring with him a small sample of Newcastle shirts and merchandise.

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