A life without Wenger

by Peter Pickles

Thursday, May 21st, 2009
 

If you’ve ever witnessed a dying, crumbling marriage, it’s kind of depressing. It’s essentially two miserable, suicidal people, living in each other’s pockets (and panties), just taking each moment as it comes, like drug addicts—one day at a time, man, one day at a time—and doing nothing of any real substance. They basically hang in there, holding on for years and years in spite of the funk they reside in, both of them begging for that initial spark to return. But it never does.

Occasionally, moments come, things happen, and then for the next year they cling to that one good weekend, that one extraordinary mind-blowing sex session, and they fool themselves into thinking maybe the marriage CAN work; maybe they’re destined to be with each other; maybe they can regain that original spark and passion and drive; maybe, oh dear LORD, maybe their relationship will survive and thrive.

But, alas, it ‘tis not usually the case, and they know this—deep down, they KNOW their marriage is dead.

However, they’re scared to move on, to find someone new, to rejoin the dating scene; scared that they’ll end up alone or that they’ll never find someone else to love; they’ll never find that same spark with another person. Thus, they keep clinging, and sometimes go on clinging to that hope until death does them part.

Or relegation, in the case of Arsenal and Wenger’s flailing marriage.

It’s time for the club and manager to admit their marriage was a fantastic one, filled with love and joy and happiness—but now it’s time to move on. The spark has gone, the passion has died, and the sex is stale. In fact, the sex is practically non-existent, other than an obligatory fumble every second week. Plus, Wenger is now flirting with Real Madrid, right in front of poor Arsenal, and possibly having an affair with them, too—and if he DOES go out like that, does end up cheating on Arsenal and skipping straight into another relationship, it’ll only soil all the good that has come before it. It will stain the memories with that one single incident, erasing all the years of happiness that preceded the cheating.

So it’s time to leave, for both our sakes, so that we can remember the good times and gloss over the bad; it’s time to leave the marriage, rather than go behind Arsenal’s back and do something irreparable.

Then Beautiful Sexy Arsenal can start dating again, get ourselves ‘out there’, start recruiting some fresh blood, and experience that thrill again; that wonder; that belief. We want our lives to return to the days when football, or love, or whatever, was exciting.

Wenger has laid an amazing foundation, and for that reason alone our next partner will not just be anybody. We have higher standards now, in both the bedroom and the relationship—and DUE to this foundation, we will be OK. We will probably be better than OK, maybe even spectacular. Because once a person (or a team, or whatever; I’m kind of lost in my metaphor here) has the best, they will keep wanting to achieve that same level, and that means our next relationship will have all the attributes of Wenger — but with the added passion, drive, momentum, and ultimately: hope.

A hope that we’ll once again feel what we’ve rarely felt in the past few years: happy, successful, and fulfilled.

So, see you later Wenger, it was good while it lasted, and we’ll always be friends. But for now, it’s time to move on.
Love and Kisses,
Arsenal.

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  • stevie

    excellent article, made me laugh big time!

    Although, imagine Wenger with a transfer kitty of 80m! I read that he has 13m to spend, I would like to see Man United and the chavs get by on that

  • Darren

    Pickles Pickles is a legend! Top article, great use of the metaphor!

    I would hate to see Wenger go, but I would like him to spend some money, the kids are not as good as he seems to think. If we go another season without a trophy then maybe he will move on as the press will slate him

  • R Hudson

    Wow, seriously? Have u really thought about the bigger picture? the future finances of football and even the world? The way that when everyone else faces financial problem due to many different factors Arsenal will all of a sudden have all the cash to spend and be laughing last? The fact that when you see the way Newcastle, Spurs, even Chelsea going through managers like dinner, and how awful it is, and that could be Arsenal? I think u have a very short sighted/I want success whatever way and I want it now attitude! I challenge you to open your mind!

  • Peter Pickles

    I get what you’re saying…but I don’t wanna have to spend another twenty years of my life going through the disappointment just so we can FINALLY be on top… I might die in a couple years, get hit by a bus, and never get to see Arsenal win the champions league, just because they had a long-term plan… I’m an impatient guy.

    If Jessica Alba told me she’d let me into her hidden chambers if i was celibate for five years, I’d be, like, yeah, that’s all good n everything…but I need to bus a nut NOW lol… so thanks for the offer, but NAAAAHHHH… (other than that, what you’re saying is correct…and yet my narrow-minded view remains… :-D)

  • Matt Quinn

    Great article… very funny.
    However, Arsenal fans want to cherish Wenger… once he’s gone, you’ll never see such good football again.

  • Peter Pickles

    ’tis true…and yet…I still want him to go…there’s only so many times I can watch the man bring on Bendtner in the 70th minute as if that’s going to make ANY difference at all… it’s just too much now lol

  • http://www.ukfootballfinder.co.uk Darren

    Mr Hudson raised some good points. If someone said to me we’d win nothing for another 5 years but you’ll dominate for 10 years after that I’d take it. There is no one quite like Wenger, he cares about the club’s finances as a business, Fergi doesn’t have to worry about that as brand United is a global business, although you will see how much debt they are in in tomorrows brilliant blog written by Russell Drury.

    The real fans don’t want Wenger to go, hence why they staging a march before Sundays game.

  • Peter Pickles

    I can’t wait five years… I can’t even wait ten minutes for a minicab without getting pissed off and swearing to murder every single one of them lol

  • jo Brighton

    The problem is, we’ll essentially be leaving Jessica Alba in the hope of finding a better Jessica Alba. One who will tolerate our financial restrictions. The assumption is that it will be easy. I don’t think so. Jessica Alba’s are really that interested in poor blokes, particular ones who are moody, selfish and demand instant gratification all the time. I think this marriage just need a bit of reinvention, then it will be great again. Thinking like yours would have got rid of Ferguson twice (in 1990 and 2003) as well as Benitez. Hence we’d end up like a poor mans Chelsea.

  • Dexy Longshot

    Good work Pickles. Poor old Wenger, i love his philosophy but it simply isn’t working. The kids are good but only Manchester ever won the league with kids (and it wasn’t exactly the playground with 6th-formers like Keano and Schemicheal scaring the **** out of the 1st yearers). Who do Arsenal have to put the frightners on the youngsters when the going gets tough…Gallas! when he ain’t crying himself. Arsenal haven’t won sod all since Viera left. There you go, Wenger, sort out a few experienced leaders in the summer or it will divorce settlements this time next year. I’m going to watch the young gooners tomorrow night in the FA Youth Cup at the Emirates, no doubt I’ll see half a dozen foreign tricksters doing the sublime with loverly passing movements and little triangles, will they beat Liverpool though???

  • Matt Quinn

    I dont think the fact that the players are young is the problem. Its the fact that theyre not good enough and never will be. Djorou, Song, Denilson, Gibbs, Bendtner… all good players but not Top 4 good.
    The age is kinda irrelevant… its more that they lack the quality. I think Wenger realises this and is waiting for Vela, Ramsey and Wilshire to mature— as they DO look good enough and are Top 4 good.

  • Peter Pickles

    Talking of Jessica Alba… Mmmmmm lol 😉 (and thanks Dexy)

  • http://www.ukfootballfinder.co.uk Darren

    Matt has a point, it’s been 4 years now and the only one of those players to actually fulfill his potential is Fabregas and Clichy. To be fair to Gibbs it’s his first season in the first team and he has been exceptional, one slip doesnt make him a bad player.

    If we sell Addy which I hope we do then Vela will get his chance. I would like to see Bendtner on loan at a club like West Ham to see if he is the real deal, he’s only 21 remember. As for Djourou, Song & Denilson I don’t think they are good enough, good squad players but nothing more

  • Dexy Longshot

    I’d prefer Jessie Wallace but each to their own eh!

    Ramsey, Vela and Wilshire will all be mustard and I’d add Kieran Gibbs to that three. Vela is apparently coming to Upton Park on load next season. I wonder if Arsene will loan out the others?

  • Peter Pickles

    Jessie Wallace??? lol

    Thanks to everyone who liked it…and everyone who didn’t 😀

  • stevie

    Jessie Wallace, now you are talking! Super MILF! Slightly off topic but couldn’t resist!

  • Matt Quinn

    Anthea Turner, Carol Vorderman, Carol Smilie…. in that order.

    I think ive got a thing for middle-aged, former TV golden girls.

  • Peter Pickles

    low standards…yield high returns… lol

  • Matt Quinn

    Ps. Talking about young players. Villa reserves (which is our youth squad- oldest player 19)- has just won the national championships.

    Forget your Wilsheres, Velas etc…

    The future is Delfouneso, Bannan, Albrighton, Clark.

  • http://www.ukfootballfinder.co.uk Darren

    Delfouneso? Nah, I don’t so, Agbonlahor has hardly set English football alight has he.

    There does seem to be a problem in that all these players are not getting a chance, Which is why My Tibbets is so keen on the 6+5 rule, at least the youth players would get a game. Wilshire might be a brilliant prospect but so was Jamie Pennant. Maybe they should change the rules where you have to have 2 players under 20 in the team? Something needs to be done otherwise they will just fade away.

    As for MILF’s then surely it’s got to be the woman from Coronation Street, what a sort!

  • Dexy Longshot

    My Tibbets, have you got something to tell us????

    Agreed on Corrie, I love Janice Battersby, imagine her and Kat together!!!!

    Been reading The Liam Brady story “Chippy”. Probably the most under-rated player Arsenal ever had. He spent his best years abroad and hardly gets a mention. He won Player of the year for the gooners 3 years on the bounce early in his career and was PFA player of the year 79. They think Jack Wilshere is the best since him. A very tall order.

  • http://www.ukfootballfinder.co.uk Darren

    it’s true, I’ve never met my Tibbets but I sounds like a lovely man!

    I actually meant to say Mr Tibbets!

    Janice Battersb? what a minger, she looks like a balldog with a bag of chips on her face, who’s the one who owns the factory? Ex footballers wife? A real woman

  • Matt Quinn

    “A Balldog with a bag of chips on her face.”

    Brilliant.

  • Dexy Longshot

    NOT AS GOOD AS A CHIPPA DOG WITH A BALL-BAG ON HER FACE!!!

    Back to the Football. FA Youth cup later 2-2.

  • stevie

    so how good was Arsenal youth last night? 4-1, must have played well. I hear Wilshire was sensational, a good tip to be the next Ryan Giggs?

  • Tef1on

    “Carol Vorderman”

    I’m just so ghappy its not only me who finds her attractive

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