A Postcard from London

by James Baker

Saturday, February 16th, 2008

Do you want to win a copy of FIFA Street 3 on the Xbox 360? Write a funny caption for the images below and a copy could be in the post.

Bonjourno Mama,

What have I done? They are terrible, really awful. I said before I came here that this would be my toughest ever job. After a month of being over here I know it will be. I thought this country gave the world football. Now all they do is give the ball away. I miss you Italia!

I spent the weekend in London watching two games of football. On Saturday I went to see the ‘Ammers play. They have a reputation for playing beautiful and attractive football and conceding lots of goals. You know I am not a big fan of that cavalier style but my new friend, Trevor said I would enjoy it. He played for them for 20 years, you know. After lunch of something called pie, mash and eels with green gravy they call liquor I knew I was in trouble. I miss your pasta so much, Mama. I could hardly move after lunch but I rolled my self down Green Street to the game with Trevor. They have lots of English players, the ‘Ammers so I thought it would be good to see some new players and Birmingham have a few. The game started well and there were two goals in the first 15 minutes. Then nothing. It was long ball after another, my neck was aching at the end of the game. Nobody could keep hold of the ball and there was no quality. How can I find 11 players for England when no one can look after the ball? I think the managers of these teams must like defensive football like me but without the close control and skill I like.

On Sunday I went to Stamford Bridge to watch Chelsea and Liverpool, two of the best teams in England. It was a terrible game. I like the fact that both teams play a very controlled game and do not take many chances. Defence comes first and that is important. However, no one can pass or keep the ball. I kept shouting to hold the ball but nobody listened. I know they could hear me because no one makes any noise at Stamford Bridge. These two teams just couldn’t do anything right. Liverpool had a few chances in the first half but there was no quality. How do they expect me to form a team with these people? I have been speaking with my friends, Alex and Arsene. I said to Arsene to get some more English players as he his team is made up of French and African players. He told me to not be so stupid. Alex has a few English men but we need more.

We played our first game last week against Switzerland. I set them up in the typical Italian way with one player up front on his own. As you know, Mama, defence always comes first. I wanted the team to take their time and pass the ball around. They do this for three or four passes and then hit the ball long in this country. I want players to be comfortable in possession and use the ball in tight areas. These boys couldn’t do it. Very depressing, Mama. Why can’t they keep they ball?

I will go now, Mama. I am touring the country at the moment. They sent me to Middlesboro last week, I didn’t even know it existed. I’m sure it won’t be long before I am sent to Coventry like all the other old England managers.


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  • Jake

    the likeness is uncanny, spot on!

  • Phil

    if we fail with a man of Capello’s statue, then we are simply doomed forever! This guy has won everything there is to win

  • Janos

    Capello’s hat, Capello’s hat
    Capello’s hat and his black and white Juventus top from 1986

  • Steven J

    Mama I love you, Mama I care
    when I see the English playing football
    it gives me such a scare

    Peter Crouch, Michael Owen, Bramble the tit,
    one thing they have in common
    they’re all completely sh*t!

  • Felix Carrasco

    Fabio came to fix our National team but lost the call ups!

  • Dean

    f -a-b-i-o

    he is f-a-b-i-o

    he is F, Fantastic
    he is A, arty farty
    he is B, Brilliant at getting 1-0 victories
    he is I, Italian
    he is ooooooooooooooo, ooooooooooooooooooooooh!

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