Cash In The Attic! Cole Looks For Spanish Phrase Book

by Gossip Gordon

Friday, July 16th, 2010

RUMOURFLASH! Cash In The Attic! Cole Looks For Spanish Phrase Book

Afternoon all, I am here to shoot the breeze on the latest gossip – weird and wonderful – from English football this season. I am here on a weekly basis to update you on this drivel, so feel free to question, praise, criticise and vilify! May the bullshit begin!

The Real Talking Points

Iker Casillas says that Ashley Cole is close to joining Real Madrid. Cole is thought to be fed-up of the English people, his nagging ex-wife’s mum and the fact he gets paid pittance. After all, who can live on under £110K a week? Sources say that the deal is for £30 million and that it will give Cole unlimited texts and a free ‘roaming’ service.

Mario Balotelli would welcome a move to Manchester United or Manchester City, although Chelsea are also said to be interested, probably because Fernando Torres’ ruptured thigh muscle (out of two months) looks to have ruled him out of any move to Stamford Bridge. Inter say that Balotelli is not for sale. Personally I’d take £30 million squid for a 19-year-old hooligan who disrupts your team, one which he cannot get in on a consistent basis anyway, but maybe that’s just me.

Joe Cole is to decide between Arsenal, Spurs and Liverpool. It looks like it’s a money-based decision. Spurs are the favourite at 5/4 apparently which, knowing how Spurs do when they go in as favourites, means he’ll probably move to Arsenal…who are probably still trying to get over the fact that Fabregas wore a Barcelona top, even if it was forced on.

Meanwhile, ex-Gooner captain Thierry Henry has joined the New York Knicks…Sorry, scrap that – I forgot he’s still playing football. He’s joined the New York Red Bulls. After France’s World Cup exit I am sure he’s hoping that Red Bull gives you win(g)s. Talking of successful strikers who presently look as lethal as Postman Pat on happy pills, Chelsea are still keen on Fernando Torres despite his injury. ‘Woy’ Hodgson is to head out to Spain to talk to the striker and no doubt offer him some more loot that the club can’t afford.

Big News if it Happens, So It Probably Won’t

Real Madrid ended their interest in 30-year Steven Gerrard because he’s too old. The Galaticos have, however signed Angel Di Maria, the lightening-quick Argentina winger for £25 million. Madrid are, as ever, looking to buy Nemanja Vidic.

Javier Mascherano wants to join Inter Milan. ‘For him to be linked with Inter has a magical taste – it’s a dream’ said the player’s agent, who judging by his response, seems to be more interested in Milan for its pasta than its football.

Chelsea are now keener on Mezut Ozil’s team-mate mate, Sami Khedira, than Ozil himself, who wants to stay with Werder Bremen.

Manchester United want Philip Lahm of Bayern Munich.

Spurs would like Manchester City’s Craig Bellamy and Micah Richards. City are looking to sell Craig Bellamy as David Silva fills his place. The club however, are keeping hold of Micah Richards, who is also interesting Liverpool. Tawe Taiwo of Marseille has said he wouldn’t mind a switch to Spurs while Luis Fabiano has welcomed talk of a move too.

City may try and sign Everton’s Mikel Arteta if James Milner doesn’t join for some absurb fee. The club is said to have bid £17 million for Lazio full-back Aleksander Kolarov. The Serb will compete for (and most likely win) Wayne Bridge’s place if he joins.  Aston Villa, Valencia, Besiktas all interested in Arsenal’s Eduardo while Villa boss Martin O’Neil will target Robbie Keane and Aiden McGeady if Milner does leave.

Liverpool want Paul Scharner. Not a bad player but is it me, or has Roy Hodgson taken his ‘WANTED’ list from Fulham and photocopied it for use at Liverpool? Liverpool’s pretty-average-but-looks-quite-good-against-the-alternatives left back Insua is going to Fiorentina.  Meanwhile, Palermo have had a £3 million bid for Lucas rejected. The reds want £8 million for a player who passes sideways and who can’t tackle. Birmingham want to spend £8 million on Ryan Babel, who may use that money to bid for Chu-Young Park of Monaco and South Korea.

On the other side of the Mersey, Everton would like to add Steven Ireland to their midfield although Sunderland do too. He would cost around £10m. Hogson’s old-club Fulham want £4 million from Arsenal for Mark Schwarzer.

Sunderland have been linked with John “Not Sure How I Managed To Blag a 70K Contract By Scoring Seven Goals in Three Years” Utaka. They also want Sol Campbell if John Mensah continues to suffer from ‘Ledley King-itis’. Good luck affording his inflated wages. The Black Cats also want Danny Welback on loan and Needum Onouha.

Bolton manager Owen Coyle has said that he’ll sell Gary Cahill for £25 million. Somewhat unsurprisingly, the interest for Cahill who, after all was kept out of the Aston Villa side by Curtis Davies, has now fallen away.

Puma and Mexico winger Pablo Barrera is to complete £4 million switch to West Ham. The Hammers want to flog Alessandro Diamanti and Radoslav Kovac to Olympiakos but not Scotty Parker, who must now be worth twice as must after England’s rubbish World Cup. West Ham want to spend £12 million on Nice striker Loic Remy but Villa’s Stevie Sidwell can’t decide if he wants to join Fulham or West Ham. At least Avram Grant’s lot look like they will boast the skills of Frederic Piquionne, who looks like joining from Lyon striker for a bargain £1 million. He’s undergoing a medical at the moment actually. Finally, Blackpool want Michael Bradley, but Fulham just want his dad…or maybe Martin Jol to become their manager.

Others News that’s Barely Interesting

Dan Gosling left Everton and is set to join Newcastle, Middlesborough have signed the whole of the SPL, 5-game-a-season-wonder Jimmy Bullard wants Celtic to pay him £75K a week while Chris Eagles looks set to drop standards – from championship Burnley to Glasgow Rangers. West Brom want David Ngog, while Nigerian striker Vincent Obinna is the only man in the world who wants to swap Inter Milan for Stoke City, who are also looking at Gary O’Neil. Smart move by Fiorentina – they’ve signed Celtic’s Artur Boruc for a bargain £1.7m. Blackburn want shot of Jason “That Barn Door Keeps Moving” Roberts and would like to replace him with Giovani Dos Santos, who is probably not looking forward to the ‘exciting football’ played at Ewood Park. Meanwhile, Arsenal and Spurs would like to buy 17-year-old Conor Wickham of Ipswich…for £8 million. No need to tell you then that he’s English.

And Finally Some Stuff That is!

Paul the ‘psychic’ Octopus may be Italian. This comes as his ex-trainer claimed she caught him ‘with her bare hands’ in Italy. The legendary octopus has now retired from football to ‘make children laugh’. Emile Heskey adopted a similar line when announcing his retirement from international football, although the only 100% success rate he achieved resulted from an ‘England Fan’s Satisfaction Survey’ upon news of his retirement.

Michael Ballack’s agent Michael Becker claims that there is a “bunch of gays” in the German national team.

Mike Tyson was in Peterborough to show his love for the Posh boys at a friendly against West Ham. The ex-boxer is in UK for a ‘series of talks on his life’ and is also said to be in the process of making a pidgeon racing show in the US. How the mighty have fallen, although I wouldn’t tell him that to his face obviously.

David Beckham says that he would like to build lego for a living if he wasn’t a footballer. I thought it was Capello’s job to put the pieces together?

Eric Cantona is sure that England won’t qualify for Euro 2012 or WC 2014 because there is not enough English players in the premier league. I could have told you that, Eric.

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  • Barry

    Cashly Mole represents everything that is currently wrong with English football, greed, greed & shows a lack of respect for his fellow professionals and fans.

    Good riddance to very bad rubbish. Lets hope you never play for England again too

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