Dear sir, we will buy your fotball club

by Mystical Mike

Monday, September 29th, 2008

Mike Ashley in the mood for sausages

The Nigerian conmen hoping to buy Newcastle United have confirmed that it is in talks to buy Newcastle United.

The group is said to have offered 4 cows and 6 packet of sausages, but Ashley admitted he was looking for a better bid.

The man fronting the bid is a UK-based businessman who has in fact refused to confirm the size of the offer, we have offered no sausages or Cows, at this stage it’s to early to see if the club is worth that much.

It is also rumored that the same group of conmen also bought 65% share of Spurs for 1 red shoe and 16 packets of crab sticks.

We exclusively broke the news last week and managed to get hold of the leaked document below.

Dear Sir:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am ministry of the treasury of the republic of Nigeria. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars us. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

We will then put 200 billion dollars back into the football and will assist you very much in buying new players and appointing Mr Keegon in charge.

We think that Sunderland is a very big club and can be on top of the world.

We are looking forward to working with the team and winning the Premier League by 2010, and the Champions FA cup by 2009

I am working with Mr. Phil Mycrackin, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as ministry of the treasury in January. As a senator, you may know him as the leader of the Nigerian banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that i should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

So that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, i will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Horay the lads!

Yours faithfully minister of treasury Phil Mycracin

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  • Jackie Emu

    Love it, I love the special attention to get the details wrong…’horay the lads’ and ‘Sunderland is a big club’…’Champions FA Cup’.
    If only Mike Ashley would fall for a dodgy email to his yahoo account the same email also being mailed to Mashley, Mikeashley, Mikeahly, Mashly, Mikeashleyyy, Michashley, ashleymike, michaelashley, m_ashley, mike.ashley kashley and so on.

  • Darren

    Dear sir,

    I am a great world class footballer from Lagos Nigeria, I can bring to you team skill and tackles. I play like David Bookam and Christian Rinoldo. If you what you team to go to the champions then sign me up. All I need is for you to pay for my ticket and I will be on the next areaplane.

  • Jackie Emu

    I can see Keegan or someone in his managers office going to his number two ‘eh look at this email we might have found someone here, says he like Becks and ronaldo’, ‘ lets get him over for a trial put him up in the club hotel for a few weeks he sounds like the missing piece’…

  • Darren

    Denis Wise walks into Keegan’s office and says I’ve found this brilliant Mexican wonder kid called Carlos Vela.. Keegan hates Wise so he shoots him down with, no thanks, Mike and I have a found the new David Beckham, look at he’s his CV, worth a punt? A few months later Wenger signs Vela and he scores a hatrick in the Carling Cup. In the mean time, the Newcastle board have mysteriously lost 2 million pounds and keep receiving Phone Jacker type phone calls & e-mails starting with dear sir…

  • star stinker numbre 1

    Dear Sir,
    I would like to offer my surface to Mr Mashie and Kevan Koogan.

    I have played for a Lagos Colts profesional fotball team. I am a scorcher of gals and some great gals. I have paid 200 times on the pitch scorcher of 400 gals. My farter is also very powaful man in Nigeria we cam as a pookage farter on sun. My farter will buy Middlesbro fotball team and make me number 1 stinker in your fotball team. With Mr Koogan in charge of all team mater. We will let Mt Koogan pick all the players in the team. I am profesional an will play on the pitch most time. I do tranning with players on all days exert Sunday the holly day

    I lock fourward to playing fro Middlesbro fotball team an win win all league tropie for next 10. I party every day fro Kevan Koogan and hope the lord will bless he fro his kindess an god fotball abulity. He is nice man an verty welt respect in Nigeria.

    God bless you with kinnder words

  • Mr Souness

    Dear Ali Dia

    I’m very interested I’ve not yet seen your video footage, but if you say you’re George Weah’s cousin then that’s good enough for me we’d love you to come to Southampton and play for possibly 25 minutes of premiership football before we realise you are absolutely garbage and we’ve been had!

  • Mr Milan

    July 1983
    AC Milan sign English sensation John Barnes, hold on a mo, that’s not John Barnes, who is this? Luther who? Suppose we better play now as we’ve just paid 1 m for him!

  • LionsDen

    A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a westham fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, to, are west ham fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, “Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?” “Because I’m not a westham fan, ” she replied.

    The teacher, still shocked, asked, “Well, if you are not a westham fan, then who are you a fan of?” “I am a miillwall fan, and proud of it, ” Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. “Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Miillwall fan?” “Because my mummies a miillwall fan, and my dad is a miillwall fan, so I’m a miillwall too!” ”

    Well, ” said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, “that is no reason for you to be a miillwall fan. You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?” “Then, ” Mary smiled, “Then I”d be a west ham fan”

  • Stevie

    Dear Geezer,
    Thanks for me inviting along for pie and a pint.

    However, I can’t leave Tel’s motors as we have a batch of mark 2 Escorts arriving this week, therefore, I’ve decided to decline to offer to manage your football club.



  • got to be ‘joking here’

    I’d love to take up the post mr ashley…i’m obviously first choice!

    yours joe kinnear.

  • John

    I kept Luton up, then they struggled. I kept Forrest up, then they struggled. I think I am the man to take the club forward for the next 6 weeks


    AGE—– 19


  • Big Guy

    Kinnear appointment was destiny…

    When Terry Venables turned down the Newcastle job he was asked by Mr Ashley who he thought would be a good choice for making Newcastle a force to be reckoned with…

    When Glenn Hoddle turned down the Newcastle job he was asked by Mr Ashley who he thought would be a good choice for making Newcastle the Giants of the Premiership…

    When Alan Shearer turned down the Newcastle job he was asked by Mr Ashley who he thought would be a good choice for making Newcastle the creme de la creme of European Football…

    It must be written in the stars as the response was unanimous…


    (The subsequent misinterpretation of their responses obviously led to Mr Jokin ere’s appointment).

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