Dexy’s 2010 World Cup Draw Preview Part 1

by Dexy Longshot

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

(In association with The Fédération Internationale de Football Association aka Crooks Inc)

Six months to go until the country comes to a standstill for a month & becomes a mass of red and white flag waving supporters, crappy England themed Evacuate the Dance floorers and Z-listers getting behind the boys, as fat Frank would say “We Love It!”

Friday night sees the honest suits at FIFA have a feel about in the funny vases picking out the balls that will determine our path to World Cup Glory. The draw couldn’t be in better hands, even Goldenballs will be there doing his bit for our 2018 bid, although I’ll be drooling over Charlize Theron rather than watching him, sorry Becks. FIFA are World Leaders in balls-up and Blatter & Co will be in the feel for the hot and cold numbers. I’m not saying it will be rigged, heaven forbid!!! But I bet Sepp a pair of woolly gloves that the hosts get a cushty group.  Anyway enough Blatter bitterness, let’s have a butchers at the big 32. I’ll do half today and half tomorrow to get us the mood before Friday!!

POT 1 (Seeds)

South Africa
Let’s start with the hosts, the Bafana Bafana. No qualifying for them so no real form guide, although they did ok last summer in The Confederations Cup. The colourful home crowd and top seeding may see them get through to the knockouts, let’s hope so. Big up the Vuvulela horn massive! make some noooiiiiise!!!

Don’t get me started on those fluky Argies. I’ve spent enough key tapping on them the past year.

I just hope we get them at some point so Fab can do a job on Dirty Diego.

Dunga has made joint faves less The Boys from Brazil and more The Bore-offs from Brazil. Out goes the swash-buckling Cafu, Carlos & Ronaldinho and in come the strength of Maicon, Melo & Fabiano. The Samba has become steel and it will be hard to break down. Saying that, they only beat our B-team by one goal. See you in the last four Dunga.

Now we’ve got Don Fabio in charge and as long as we can take a fit squad with us, it’s a no brainer, 66 all over again. Dancing in fountains, mini-skirts, Mods on scooters, Beatlemania, bring on the free love; we’ve never had it so good.

England’s Road To South Africa

Undefeated in qualifying and getting the better of Guus’s Ruskis, Joachim Low will try and go one better than Klinnsmans semi last time round. I’d love to say nein chance but Ze Nationalmannshaft always do well & will no doubt get an easy draw again.

Unbeaten in group 8 along with the Irish (sob sob), the Azzurri were lucky to avoid the play-offs but eventually won through with some last gasp winners in the final games. They will have to improve by next summer if they are to retain the trophy, even with Marcello Lippi at the helm.

Surprised a few peeps yesterday when they leapfrogged the Froggies into the top seeds.  Right ‘an all!  I had a few bob on the Dutch at a generous 14-1 e/w a few months back, a team that can be unplayable when they all click, unfortunately it doesn’t happen to often for them. The injury to talisman Van Persie is a hurty blow…….to my wallet! Without him, I can’t see the pot-smoker s getting beyond the Henry the Eighths!

Hot on the heels of Brazil, Spain are the other joint faves and one look at their teamsheet is enough to give goalkeepers the two bob bits from now to June. They are not invincible though, the hard work of the Yanks beat them in the summer & a real look at the game against England with the volume down will show they created few chances.

POT 4 (Europe)

Surprised everyone by knocking Portugal into a playoff and ridding the tournament of Sweden, shame it couldn’t have been the other way round. I could have been winking at Swedish totty for a month next summer, now I’ll be looked down by posters of a winking tosser on every billboard. Nay bother; those Danish sorts should cheer me up.

I’m almost bucketing plastic green tears as I type this in. The most hated team in the world at the mo (and that’s his own fans) told Trap O Tonis Paddies to stick their replay and then for Cheese & Garlic Champers with Sepp although I’m surprised he didn’t seed them, guilt trip anyone? Don’t worry Trap, your fellow countryman Fab will make amends in June.

I’d love to see the Greeks upset the odds again but the former 100-1 Euro champs haven’t got much in the wooden horse locker this time. Expect the same hard as nails, Robotic organised bore fest & a Greek tragedy in scene 2.

Like the Argies, The Portuguese team won’t be on my Christmas card list this year. The sooner they get knocked out the better, preferably by a Rooney hatrick and a wink back at Ronny as our great scouse hope picks up the match ball. They may have the world’s best player, but they don’t have a great team anymore.

Like an army of Ivan Dragos, I wouldn’t fancy a run-in with the Serbs. They kept the cheating Frogs in 2nd as they walloped Romania in their last game. Coach Antic has overseen, Barca & both Madrids so knows his onions. Robots like Vidic, Stankovic and Krasic may cause a few upsets, as long as they don’t short circuit in the early games.

The World cup virgins did the bizzo in the groups by cheque-mating the Czechs, Slovenia and the Poles with a 1-0 Chorzow. Rated 45th by FIFA the Slovs will surprise me if they get further than round 1, despite Skrtel & Hasik in the ranks.

Slovenia Slovakia, I’m always getting them mixed up. I don’t actually know much about Slovenia except that the crumpet over there is different gravy so I’ve been told. I really hope we draw them in the group stages, that will be another Hatrick & Golden boot for Shrek.

The Euro 2008 hosts are in a big tournament once again, this time on merit after beating the Greeks to top group 2. Old Bayern Munich mastermind is in charge of La Nati and they have got some good players. Magnin, Barnetta & The inspirational Frei, not forgetting Senderos of course!

So that’s the first half, check back tomorrow for the 2nd half and the World Cup countdown, I can’t wait!!!!!!

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  • stevie

    come on England! Bring on the big guns, France, Portugal & the U S & A!!

  • dexylongshot

    Yeah the French for the last group game would be a dream, hopefully we would beat them with a an injury time winner to make amends for Zidanes brace in euro 2004, that was sickening (and of course for the Irish!)

    I bet the Dutch are chuffed they are now seeded, sounds like it’s a bit of a guilt trip Sepp Blatter and co, pity they couldn’t sort out the technology or extra refs yesterday as well.

    Check out part 2 tomorrow

  • Mike

    Great blog mate, can’t wait for part 2!

  • Darren

    there’s always a surprise package and i’m going for the Swiss, don’t ask me why, I just have a hunch!

    It’s the hunch I had on Chelsea winning all 4 trophies this season

  • dexylongshot

    Ivory Coast will be in with a shout, The Drog is unplayable when he’s not rolling about like a baby.

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