FA Cup final preview

by Mystical Mike

Friday, May 29th, 2009

Ok first of all a big “hello” to UK Football Finder.  For some unknown reason I have been invited to write a blog on the Chelsea v Everton FA Cup Final on Saturday. A big disclaimer first, most of my football knowledge is based on the 80s when men were men, TJ Hooker ruled and you could pass back to the goalkeeper to kill off a game nicely and frustrate all and sundry as did the “great” Liverpool teams of the 80s. And Saint and Greavsie were high entertainment for me and their word was – and still is – as law.

So treat anything in the drivel you are about to read below with the caution it deserves, such as Mike Tyson’s babysitter.Or that sweaty fat bird with big teeth that you think may be a good idea to ram your tongue down her throat with in a bar, after 7 jars and 6 reality bending banana sambucas in front of your mates. It really isn’t.  And you may get blown out anyway and so add to the complete and total humiliation.

Anyway back on topic.  Chelsea v Everton. Not one that has you licking your lips in anticipation of a classic. In fact I might be washing my hair, funny thing is I’m bald.  Bring nurofen to cure that neckache from playing spot the ball in the clouds and don’t go to sleep in Row Z in case Cahill decides to take an air shot on goal and connects.

Although I won’t be watching it I will be taking a cheeky punt to fuel the flames to this burgeoning betting addiction I have going. I would say that it’s almost a certainty that Chelsea will win Saturday but you never know. Magic of the Cup and all that. Although this will mean much more for Everton and is just a consolation prize for the Chelsea boys but you still expect Chelsea to have too much for them. But its safe to say that I don’t expect a beautiful high technical mano-e-mano, two-men-enters-one-man-leaves match of pass and move and constant end to end sit on the edge of your seats football.

I have been asked to put in some basic football related stats to this nonsense of a blog so here goes and let’s get it out the way. Portsmouth the only team outside the big 4 to win it last fourteen attempts since Everton in 1995. Incidentally, I remember being on a bus on the way to work in 1995 actually and seeing a billboard up in Elephant & Castle with Joe Royle’s Dogs of War on it.  1-0 if I remember right.  Most of the last meetings between the teams haven’t produced many goals so probably looking at a low scoring affair, unlike Fat Frank out in the clubs and his wife out with, well whatever bloke you see when you open the papers.

If I had to hang my hat on a number I would go for 2-0 Chelsea. Lampard first to score in the sixteenth minute. Errr and Jordan to get back with the Andre boy after she’s filled her boots with half of Essex. How’s about that for a prediction. Got it written all over it and you heard it here first.  The game will also have the grace and poise of Danielle Lloyd after falling through a glass table in a nightclub. But it’s a funny old game Saint, so not beyond the whims of the Gods that Everton put an onion in the bag and park a bus in front of goal. Or 0-0 and penalties. Or it will be a classic after all. Let’s try and cover myself some more and sit on the fence why don’t I? Incidentally, watch out for those horrific not-socially-acceptable-to-pull-birds in the bar. I might just get in there before you do.

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  • http://www.ukfootballfinder.co.uk Darren

    funniest article I’ve read since Peter Pickles first burst onto the scene!

  • dexylongshot

    Matt, that is quality, totally agree with everything, will be a boring 0-0. I might just see you down the pub for a tray of Banana sambucas and show you my Danielle & Jordan downloads!

  • Matt Purkis

    lol thanks – fun to get rid of the crap in my brain sometimes 🙂

  • Jimmy The Gent


    Fantastic read Perkins, I just hope Tyson doesn’t read it!!!

  • dexylongshot

    I wonder what the odds are of Fellleini to score with a header, i might have a nugget on that!

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