Gallas is an undercover spy?

by Peter Pickles

Sunday, November 23rd, 2008

Proof is in the cookie

Picture this boring scenario: I’ve cooked up a basket of homemade cookies—very tasty homemade cookies, in fact—after spending years honing the recipe, tweaking and adjusting and swapping the ingredients, and now somebody’s interested in purchasing one of them. Only ONE of them, but there are already some people interested in my other cookies so it’s OK. This man asks how much for Cookie Cole, and I tell him fifty pence. The man says to me, “I’ll give you twenty-five pence plus a half-eaten apple pie.” Now this offends me. I’ve spent years making sure this cookie is worthy of a place on the England table of biscuits and snacks, and this man offers me a half-eaten apple pie?

It also piques my suspicions: why is this man so eager to get rid of this apple pie? What is WRONG with this apple pie? Has he poisoned it? This would be the logical thing to do, if the man were a criminal. He could poison the pie, let me eat it and fall sick, then take back his original stake in the cookie.

Now, taking that elaborate pointless metaphor to Arsene Wenger, didn’t he find it a little suspicious that Chelsea were willing to give up a first team player—Gallas—in exchange for one of ours? No team GIVES AWAY players for nothing. Chelsea probably had enough funds to buy Cashley Cole’s LIFE, yet they chose to offload Gallas instead. I’m almost certain some sort of alarm must have rung in Arsene Wenger’s mind—maybe even a siren—telling him that it wasn’t such a good idea to accept Gallas as a part payment for Cheryl Cole’s wife.

I’m starting to think, actually, that Gallas was a Chelsea plant from the beginning, an undercover operative contracted out to single-handedly—and systematically—sabotage the foundations of Arsenal from within. Or maybe he’s just an apathetic footballer that Chelsea wanted to get shot of; one or the other.

Either way, I’m pretty sure something didn’t connect in Arsene Wenger’s brain that day. Maybe he’d been reading through algebraic equations, looking for the latest passing formula to unlock the secret to premier league success, when he came across the rule that states TWO NEGATIVES MAKE A POSITIVE. Maybe he tried to get philosophical with this information, assuming that now two wrongs DO make a right, and that to swap one whiny little girl for another whiny little girl would make good business sense, and would balance out in the long run. Or maybe, most plausibly, Arsene Wenger saw the opportunity to swap an English player for a French player, thus allowing him to have more people at his post-match table to discuss French politics with; and the iniquities of a baguette; and the wonders of the croissant; and whatever crazy unique ideas he held for that Monday morning’s exciting passing-drills.

I’m not saying Gallas is bad—I’m just saying he’s terrible. He has the mentality of a striker, only chasing down balls when he goes forward, but too lazy and slow and lethargic when chasing BACK. He doesn’t have any desire to win the ball, or to tackle, or stop other teams from scoring. He is Sylvain Wiltord in disguise.

Against Aston Villa, Cinderella’s ugly step-sister Agbonlahor chased down more balls and showed more hunger to win than Gallas has shown in his entire life. Maybe the Villa striker has Defender Syndrome, or maybe he’s just a footballer and does what he’s paid for. And Gabby Agbonlahor should NEVER have scored that second goal; he has speed but he isn’t Walcott. He didn’t skin Gallas. They ran side by side, and with a little more effort and tenacity, Gallas could have shrugged him off the ball or at least made a decent tackle. But Gallas defended like his mind was up front, thinking about the next goal. He defended like a Brazilian.

My point (if I have one) is that Arsenal, a team who were once known for their solid backline, now have a wannabe striker masquerading as a defender at the HEART of our defence. So no matter how many chances we create, no matter how many times Adebayor finally converts one of his fifty-two clear-cut chances, we still have Gallas at the other end, letting through a stream of goal traffic. We need to get him out and plug up the hole. Start from the back, seal up the cracks, and go through the team accordingly. Then we might be able to beat the lowly minnows of the league, rather than lose and expect the fans to be happy paying £40 a ticket to watch Hull hand us our asses.

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  • Stevie

    Peter Pickles, you crack me up, but you do talk a lot of sense. Since we signed Gallas the whole team morale has become very fragile to say the least.

    The game on Saturday was absolutely pathetic, I would like to know why Djoure is not getting a game, he is the only defender we have that can actually head a ball.

  • leggy elastic

    Agbonlahor would beat all defenders for pace!

    If you don’t want gallas who was a brilliant performer for chelsea and has had only a handful of iffy games for your lot…then I’m sure there is plenty of teams who’ll take him!

    moaning about gallas blimey! just shows how spoilt some teams are!

  • Darren

    It’s what being an Arsenal is all about, having a good old moan. I used to moan under George Graham that we were to good and it was to easy. Once we scored first it was game over.

    If you look at our history we have decades of dominating then nothing happens for ages. We never seem to build on our success. Maybe that’s why we all moan so much, we never seem to reach our true potential, this current squad is so close yet so far, and that’s what’s bloody frustrating.

    Gallas is, sorry was a world class center back, Arsenal fans were crying out for a player like him for years, we signed him, we are still not happy. When you go a whole season unbeaten the standards are very high, that’s the problem, we expect that every season.

  • Matt Quinn

    Agbonlahor is twice as fast as Walcott.

  • Darren

    old Wolfgang has perked up!! No chance, Walcott would roast him.

  • Peter Pickles

    No way is Gabby as fast as Walcott… People like Gallas just make him seem faster than he actually is 🙂

  • Peter Pickles

    Leggy Elastic: Gallas might have been a great defender at one point… but Theirry Henry was also a great striker at one point… he’s lost whatever he once had… he doesnt seem to have any passion for the game any more…

    @ Stevie: you’re right–the morale has been shit, especially since Gallas threw that little bitch-fit on the pitch during the game Eduardo broke his leg…

  • leggy elastic

    All I’m saying is do you really have a right to moan about having a player like Gallas, so he’s having a blip in form…he’ll probably be player of the year next year and you’ll wonder what you were complaining about.
    Ask a Doncaster/Derby/Peterborough fan if he’d take an average season in the premierships top 5…I know it’s all relative to what you’re used to but just because you’ve had success doesn’t mean you’ve got a god given right to keep winning.

    relegation would do some fans a lot of good…gets the passion back and off loads all the plastics. Perhaps Arsenal could do with getting a reality check.

    anyway rant over… not a pop at you peter pickles I liked you’re article… it’s too all those fans who ring in phone ins and say wengers lost the plot…hmmmmn yeah go back to Terry Neill or Don Howe then perhaps you can have a moan.

  • Peter Pickles

    I get what you’re saying… But like you mentioned: it’s all relative… I moan about being hungry and someone might point out that I should be lucky I get to eat even one meal a day, some people in the world don’t even get food, water, blah blah… But I AM used to having food–so I’m HUNGRY 😉 … and I’m used to Arsenal being at the top… We’re getting to a point now where Arsenal are considered a “top 4” team, rather than a title-winning team… I don’t think Gallas is having a blip in form. I just think he’s tired of it all; I don’t think he gives a shit anymore…

    I don’t necessarily think Wenger’s lost the plot (I know you weren’t saying I was, but I’m replying anyway…) I just think his philosophy is counterproductive to winning a title… It’s great that he wants to play such amazing football, and I love to watch it, but I think he needs to find a balance between beautiful football and just straight out fighting and determination…

    anyway, that’s MY rant over 🙂

    oh, and thanks @ I liked your article…

  • Jamie Farrier

    Peter – you have to remember that Gallas wanted to leave Chelsea, it wasn’t as if the club sold him under mysterious circumstances. He had had enough of life at Stamford Bridge and infamously threatened to score an own goal on purpose unless he got his way.

    That was just for the defence of Chelsea – there’s no defence of Gallas. Before that outburst he was an outstanding defender. He got on with the job and was consistently solid week after week. The central partnership he had with John Terry was formidable to say the least.

    Don’t mean to namedrop, but I had the pleasure of dining with Gallas after Chelsea lost the Cup Final to Arsenal in 2002, and the man was a genuinely nice guy. It’s spooky indeed to watch this raging beast with such little self-control you wonder how he’s holding the dressing room together with his captaincy.

  • Stevie

    the problem seems to be that he is a man amongst boys, you can see him getting annoyed amongst a fellow player makes a mistake.

    The other title contenders have unplayable players. Chelsea have Terry, Lampard, Bostwenga, Cole, United have Vidic, Ferdinand, Ronaldo, Liverpool have Gerrard, Torres & Carrager and Arsenal have, erh, no one, Fabregas is having a bad season as he needs a foil to perform, RVP never plays more than 3 games, Adyebauer is looking like a one season wonder and the defence is well, pretty useless. Gallas should be this type of unplayable player but he isn’t, Wenger does need to get things right in Jan otherwise we could lose even more players…

  • Peter Pickles

    Jamie — I didn’t actually remember that…shows what I know about football 🙂 but now you’ve said it my opinon of Wenger’s decision hasn’t changed… any football who is petulant enough to make own-goal threats to leave a team shouldnt then be hired–and later handed the captaincy–at another… but I guess Wenger knows a little bit more about football than I do…

  • Peter Pickles



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