Here comes the Judge

by Dexy Longshot

Friday, September 25th, 2009

Hear ye! Hear ye! The court is in session, Judge Longshot presiding.

A fortnight back, the right honorable Mickey Marbles told you how outraged he was that that poor Paddy Kenny was getting 9 months without football for forgetting to read the ingredients on some medicine.

Well, I wonder if anyone will be handing out 9 months for Ade’s stamp on Van Persie, Diouf’s racist faux Pas or Bellamys doh-boy on a supporter, the greatest ever example of the sh*t hitting the fan. Here is a run-down of each crime and the appropriate sentence that should be handed.

We’ve had plenty of debate on everyones favourite Tongan. There’s even an online game where you can re-enact the kick and run he did on Van Persie and get points on how far you can slide in front of the baying gooner fans. Now, if Ade were caught on camera deliberately kicking someone in the kisser, in a court of law, it could mean porridge.

Verdict – Guilty
Punishment – A 20 game ban and community service down in the borough of Islington, take him of the club pay roll as well. Kicking someone in the head is GBH. Van Persie can also have the option of taking it up with the authorities. The Dutchmen is already on first name terms with the old bill.

Now here is a habitual player with plenty of previous. A bona-fide wind-up merchant with a penchant for spitting & interaction with fans on both sides of the ground. Last weekend, he supposedly said “F*CK OFF WHITE BOY” to a ball boy who didn’t give the ball back directly to his feet. In an age when the authorities are trying to “Kick out racism” and coming just a few weeks after the Millwall fans chanted abuse at Upton Park (Jason Euell copped some monkey chants at Stoke too on Tuesday too), the FA should really come down hard. He has even had the audacity to say he was being pelted with bananas despite the fact 600 or so cameras failed to show anything yellow on the pitch apart from the prick himself.

Verdict – Guilty
Punishment – Firstly at least a 15-match ban without pay & being made to go to help centres to deal with his racist behavior. He should be made to make a public apology. Blackburn should make a point as well, if he has blatantly lied about the fruit flying at him, he should be instantly dismissed from the club without pay and brought before the big boys at FIFA.

After a fantastic performance from the lively Taff against Utd, bad boyo Bellamy, the nutter with the putter took a swing at a fan. The fan shouldn’t have been on the pitch and will be probably cop a lifelong ban but what did Bellend get for copping him? The big lack that’s what, a slap on his tattooed wrists. It was hardly a bone crusher of a punch, more of a slap although I’m sure plenty of players would have gone down like a shot if it was them.

The problem I have with Bellamy is that he actually went out of his way to confront the fan when 4 stewards were already dealing him with. He should be keeping away from the aggro. Rio actually went over to Craig to calm him down, by grabbing him by the throat, yeah nice one Rio.

Verdict – Guilty
Punishment – Firstly at least a 10 match ban without pay & being made to go the backwaters of his old stomping grounds in West Ham, Newcastle, Celtic and Liverpool to learn how to punch properly with the locals.

The authorities have really got to look at the rulebooks and have a complete overall of punishments being dished out.

Look it at like this: Cantona got 7 months for a Bruce Lee roundhouse on a fan in the stands while Paddy Kenny got 9 months for taking an extra spoonful of Benylin. Ade gets 3-match ban for GBH of Van Persie’s bonce while Rio got half a season for forgetting an appointment…………you can see what I’m getting at here. If I was The FA judge and jury, there would certainly be some changes, I ain’t though and those idiots continue to hide behind there desks scared to do anything, where’s the justice in that?

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  • Darren

    what about Steven Gerrard? Total thug yet got away with assaulting another man on camera!

  • dexylongshot

    One rule for some, and another rule for others, maybe it was because he was from a big 4 team (can of whoopass has been open there). At least Barton got his time and got on with it. What happened when Dennis wise chinned that cabbie, so long ago, i can’t recall.

  • jimmythegent

    who care’s about the stuff from years ago, in the here and now, i think it’s disgrace the blazers at the fa and premier league and football league can’t see simple common sense. It’s as if they are afraid to upset the apple cart at the moment why players are getting away with murder.

  • rob pullinger

    think its about time a bit of common sense was taken buy both the players, the clubs and the authorities, i for one wouldnt take the abuse that some players get, (dont think i need to mention any names???)so on that basis alone they are treated harsh, not that im condoning what they do, but hey come on!!
    as for the authorites, if they are gonna punish , then there must be some consistancy, far worse crimes seem to be getting away with it than most, and alot is picked up by cameras and a big meal is made..
    end of the day, its a man’s game, a contact sport(apparently), get on with it???

  • Mike Somerville

    Adebayor got away with it because it wasn’t clear cut, there’s no proof that he kicked him.

  • jimmythegent

    wasn’t clear cut?
    just a cut then isn’t enough then?

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