Holland V England Preview (Triple XXX Certificate: R18)

by Dexy Longshot

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
 

The Amsterdam Arena, Wednesday, 7:45 KO

Cue cheesy Boogie Nights porno soundtrack…

Ah yes, right now, I’m about to embark on a whistle stop tour of Europe’s sexiest city along with Soffo the Greek, Champagne Briggsy, Big Baz & fellow scribe Dan “Remi” Church, all in the name of UKFF of course, it’s work isn’t it?

Heh Heh! Yeah baby!!!!, Amsterdam, Weed, Brass’s, Mayo on chips and Pancakeshh! of course I can’t touch any of that because I’m there to support Don Fabio and The Lions, I will be good as gold, I’ll even show you how we get on with pics and vids next week, (If we can get them back through customs!!!

The Dam does have a certain je ne se qua to it though for shure. Ever since I saw “Dutch Girls” on TV in the mid 80’s, it held a certain top shelf allure. That programme made me into a man (although plain Jane superbrain from neighbours helped).

I remember the last time i went to Holland’s worst kept secret, keeping it strictly football, I stumbled across a video in the sports section of Crashee European Bob’s Video Emporium. Check the trailer below; it stars Holland Legend Ruud Gullit in the final scene getting some special attention from two eager to please female fans. Lothar Mattheus makes an appearance in the first half although the highlight is Big Ron Jeremy showing his tackle skills in the box as a portly Maradonna, best saucy footy film ever!!!

The only box action I wanna see tonight will be in the form of our own
boxman Big Roon who i’m tipping to be next year’s player of the season.
Under Fabio, Wayne has blossomed into one of Europe’s top strikers & I’ll be
having a couple of Guilders on him to pot one in at The Amsterdam Arena. It
won’t be easy though: for me, The Dutch are up there with Brazil & Spain as
our main rivals for The World Cup. The Don knows this & will itching to see
how they set up against us, like he did with Spain in Feb (don’t be
surprised if we face Brazil & the Argies before next June either).

Last summer, Holland played some of the best football at the Euros & can be
unplayable if they hit a good rhythm. Robben, Van Persie, Snieder, Huntelaar
et all, like England a side teaming with talent but always chocking when it
cums to the vinegar strokes!

I forsee a stalemate, it’s a pre-season friendly and 1-1 wouldn’t surprise
me at all with both sides using all their subs. I will be taking a good
butchers at our fullbacks who will be tested down the flanks. Glen Johnson
was 1st class in his last England game bombing down the wing overlapping
with Theo and consistently putting balls in the right area. I just hope his
ability to track back and put the tackles in is not compromised.

Ashley on the other wing (no stranger to hard tackle himself) has been
another improving player in the last batch of 3 Lions appearances. Back to
his 2002 form, Cole last season was arguably Chelsea’s best player & we need
him at his best if we are to progress past the last 8 in South Africa. If
they are to be Fab’s no 2 & 3, I would like him to add another dimension to
our shape, a sort of plan C using wingbacks. Cole & Johnson could definitely
do that job.

We have an abundance of decent centre backs, wouldn’t it be nice to see Rio
doing a Beckenbaur next summer, bringing the ball out, playing to feet. It
almost did the job in 1990 after starting with a 442 under Sir Bobby RIP.
Maybe we can go one further, lifting the Cup; Cheryl could present it, in a
St George bikini maybe…

Anyway, I’d better stop daydreaming (I can do that in the smoke of the
Grasshopper later), I’ve gotta get my bag packed, Hat, glasses, orange
syrup, passport, check! Go on England!!!!!

Or as rude rude boy Ruud may put it;
“It will be good times for shure you crashhee English Lion Bast*rds.
Here, have some more mayo on those smoky pancakes”

Fade cheesy Boogie Nights porno soundtrack*

The Boogie Nights song is actually by Lionel Ritchie, Ruud ringer!

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  • Stevie

    that is quality! Jeremy is a legend, god knows how he made it but there you go!

    Pointless game tonight, if we win we’ll be world beaters, if we lose it’s only a friendly

  • Jj

    That is first class! Best blog yv put up here, nice change from the same old man city top bore crap everyone else is banging on about

  • http://www.ukfootballfinder.co.uk Darren

    I never thought I’d say this , but Carlton cole changed the game, they simply coulnt handle him. Cut out the crap mistakes and we might be going places!

  • James Webb

    Spurs striker saves the day !!!

  • Dan Church

    one of the best england games ive been to in ages….when we levelled, the england end was rocking and the throwing of paper aeroplanes very kindly provided by the dutch FA even very briefly stopped.

    Highlight of the trip for me was 400 england fans proudly informing the chap who had a last minute change of heart regarding visiting a house of ill repute, that he “couldnt score in a brothel” Kudos to the bloke who did go in as he had the same 400 cheering him on from the other side of the window…..

  • dexylongshot

    Twas a wicked game and wicked day. We even topped the space invaders scores. ave butchers at my dexylongshot facebook page for all the xxx action and a skat truck! CArlton Cruff nailed on for SA, a dutch master!

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