How to be as good (lucky) as the Germans

by Mystical Mike

Thursday, June 26th, 2008

Outplayed and outclassed by a Turkish B team, a team with no chance of winning Euro 2008, average at best, the worst Ubermenschen for a long time, yet the Germans have some how managed to reach yet another final. Are they lucky or are they quite simply a tournament machine? These stats suggest the latter.


Tournament stats

• Out of 18 World Cups they have reached 7 finals winning 3, 1954, 1974 & 1990

• In the 13 European Championships held they have reached 6 finals winning 3, 1972, 1980 & 1996

• Only 1 semi-final defeat ever, way back in 1988

• 13 wins out of 16 quarter finals

• 1982 was the last time they missed a penalty in a shoot out

• In 21 tournaments, they have only failed to reach the final 4 times when qualifying from the group stages


So what’s their secret?

1) Grow a mullet then perm the hell out of it



2) Record a really crap football song



3) When taking a penalty make sure you score, or face the ultimate penalty, death by sausage



4) Pay pundits to say how average you are and you have no chance of winning



5) Let the opponents occasionally win giving them a false sense of security



6)  Don’t boast about winning a tournament as you will never win another. Germany have won 6 to our 1. 1954, 1974, 1990, 1972, 1980, 1996, 2008?

World cups & Euros


7) Teach your goal keepers Kung Fu



8) Unite your country giving you even more chance of winning tournaments
Over the wall


9) Team bonding is essential

Team bonding


10) Have a silly name. Kuntz, Ballack, Scheidt.



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  • Darren

    very interesting article, those stats are sensational, I can’t believe they have only failed to get to the final 4 times after qualifying from a group.

    Lets hope Spain stuff their Sausages on Sunday!! In fact, they should feed drug the Germans sausages, to get them back for cheating in the World Cup of 1954 when they used drugs to beat the great Hungarians!!

  • Jackie Emu peggy

    the secret is krawftwerk…

  • dexylongshot

    I love autobahn

  • Jackie Emu peggy

    top tune…

    up there with 99 red balloons

  • dexylongshot

    I hope that’s the german version. She had rank pits! (Still got it)

    Viva Espana!!

  • Darren

    number 1 in 298 countries i hear

  • Darren

    have you heard Pump up the Bitter? What a tune, especially in German!

  • Brian Smith

    Wow, Spain were quite simply superb, what a second half. Pure football. It was men against little boys (Ashavin).

    Spain all the way, for the sake of football.

  • Martin Tibbetts

    I am still backing the Germans. I think they have been unfairly maligned in this tournament. They weathered the storm from the Turks in the semi but still acored 3 goals and had a stick on penalty denied. I don’t understand why everybody says they have been so poor. Despite the fact they have a comedy goalkeeper, their defence has done well. Lahm is outstanding, despite his wobbles against Turkey, Ballack has been as good as any attacking central midfield player in the tournament, Schweinstieger has been increasingly influential, Podolski has terrorised down the left, Klose has done what he always done (f**k all then head a key goal or two), and Metzelder has fallen down like a bearded girl with the grace of Klinsmann in his prime. Its a good, tight unit, and frankly one that will hold off the Spanish armada and I think win by a couple of goals, from set pieces…..

    Quick mention for the highlight of the event so far – the Turkish stapler! How nails was he, while the German is crying over his cut, the turks just get an office accessory out and get htheir boy back on the pitch!

  • Darren

    I’ve been backing the Germans from day 1, after looking at those stats it’s hard to see anything but a German win, but saying that, they do tend to lose the odd final or two. It’s true they have quality, Ballack, and in particular Schweinstieger have been immense. Lahm has been good but Turkey proved if you run at him he is very, very vulnerable. We all know that the center backs and keeper are very weak. They have conceded 6 goals to Spain’s 3.

    I fell in love with International football again last night, Spain’s 2nd half performance should be sent to all schools and watched all over the world. It was a total lesson on how the game should be played. Every player wanted the ball, every player was comfortable when they got it, they didn’t panic, played no long balls. They played their way our of trouble, they were so confident of their own ability. And for this reason I’m backing Spain.

    Germany will play to their own strengths and by that I mean they will try to stop Spain playing.

    I’m going for a Spain 1-0 win, and justice will be done if they do win.

  • Neil

    Cmon Espana, England needs you!

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