Managerial Job Application: Very funny

by Mystical Mike

Monday, January 14th, 2008
 

The Chairman
Wydad Casablanca FC
Stade Mohammad V
Casablanca
Morocco
Africa

11th January 2008

RE: Managerial Vacancy

Dear Sirs,

I recently stumbled across Wydad Casablanca FC on the internet site ‘Wikipedia’ and noticed that your club is currently managerless.

I myself am a big fan of football and a regular player and would like to bring my talents to your attention. It is my firm belief that I can offer your club something astonishing, and together we can make a genuine impact on the world of football. I’m thinking Player/Manager here. While I expect you are quite keen to resolve the current Management situation, I would urge you to consider a Player/Manager, as my abilities off the pitch are eclipsed only by my incredible skills on it.

Don’t make a snap decision just yet though, I need to tell you plenty more about me first so we know what sort of things are going to end up happening to the world of football once we get started. I am a 25 year old Centre Forward from London. I currently play for Bohemians FC in Division 3 of the rough and ready arena that is East Dulwich’s Thursday night 7-a-side league and was an integral part of their squad when we were promoted last season as Champions. I worked out just now that it’s roughly the 73rd tier of English Football (just so you know that I’m plying my trade in the top hundred divisions and therefore not a complete donkey!). Also I should point out that I don’t actually play for Dulwich Hamlet FC, as they are in the 7th tier of English Football and this would be very misleading with regard to my footballing CV. Nor do I play for Bohemians FC of Dublin, Ireland who have appeared in the Champions League and UEFA Cup Competitions. We play in their replica jerseys, but we’re not affiliated to them and I’ve never been to Ireland.

Prior to joining Bohemians FC I played 5-a-side in Norbury Powerleague for Truppe Alpine where I once scored 7 goals in a single game. I don’t like to brag, but this is the truth and can be considered more-or-less the pinnacle of my fledgling (albeit late-developing) career.

Now, to my managerial credentials. I was recently appointed Manager of European Giants FC Bayern Munich and led them to two league titles and one Champions League in just two seasons. Although I had a large transfer budget and the experience was within the confines of the simulator game Football Manager 2007 on my girlfriend’s laptop, I made some excellent signings and even befriended then-Charlton manager Alan Curbishley. No mean feat, I think you’ll agree. He said he ‘Felt that the two of us could become friends’. I was very touched.

In the real world I have recently limited my football management to standing at the side of the pitch during Bohemians’ games shouting the time at our right winger Stewart. This is largely because it annoys him a lot. But it is also a good example of my dedication to team spirit. I am not afraid to ‘act the goat’ in order to make other members of the team laugh or angry.

I do hope I haven’t offended you as someone once told me that goats are sacrosanct in Morocco. I would check my facts on Wikipedia, but you must understand that it’s not very reliable for that sort of thing.

Finally I would like to add that having looked at the photographs of your very impressive stadium ‘Stade Mohammad V’ which apparently holds 67,000 spectators. I must say that the prospect of playing in front of so many fans is a very exciting one for me personally and a big factor in my decision to contact you regarding our footballing future. I hope that you can recognise this correspondence as the gold-laced opportunity of a footballing lifetime that it so clearly is.

Many Thanks, and I look forward to working with you.

JJ DUNNING (Career Goals: 42)

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  • Matt

    Quality! I’d give you the job just for the banter.

    ALthough, I actually did take Barnet into the champions league on Sensible Soccer, so I may be able to give you a run for your money!

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