Nani – Gentleman, we can rebuild him!

by Charlie Coffey

Thursday, February 4th, 2010
 

Manchester United have found the cure to their cash-flow problems by announcing a new genetic engineering programme to build the perfect winger for the future.

Cells from Park Ji-Sung and Nani have been carefully extracted and are being painstakingly synthesised by Rio Ferdinand, who has used his lengthy stretches on the sidelines to study for his genetic engineering badges at the internationally renowned Centre of Excellence in Moston.

Firstly Ferdinand will master the complexities of the brain before working on the physical side of this new super player. Nani’s cells have been cryogenically frozen and will not be required for some time.

From Park Rio will delicately remove the gene that causes his selflessness; the innate instinctive urge he has to act as a human sandbag should a grenade be thrown at his team-mates; to pass to players better placed to score than himself; the ability to play the simple ball.

(The removal of this element for the benefit of science had beneficial consequences for the first team at the Emirates, when Park actually had a shot and, low and behold, scored a goal.)

Park’s tendency to pass to players better placed than himself will be taken, although only 80% of it, allowing the player to take a slight risk now and again. Such a minutely delicate procedure can only be performed by an engineer of Rio’s ilk.

Park’s work-rate and willingness to chase back and cover his team mates will play a large role in the process, as will his humility and the way he chooses to conduct himself off the pitch, not slagging off his manager in interviews, that sort of thing.

Now for the body. The cryogenic process must be reversed, to reveal the Nani cell; the idiot frozen inside. Ever seen Austin Powers?

The DNA strands for the conscious side of Nani’s brain are extracted and incinerated. The vital gold remains: the ability for mouth-watering skill; the lightning-fast turns that leave defenders in knots, the thumping, dipping shots.

Rio stands back, admiring his work. His hand pulls down the electrical level. His wobbly gob opens wide and erupts in a deep, evil cackle as the new winger sits up straight. “It’s alive!” he drawls, “it’s alive!”

“I’m going to name him…Ryan Giggs.”

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