Play that funky music white boy

by James Baker

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008

Instead of my usual article of pessimism, despair and moaning, I thought I would write something a little more uplifting this week. It’s time for James “Fluff Freeman” Baker to run down UK Football Finder’s very own top 20. I have given a song to each Premier League team that is reflective of their status. We run down the hit list with each team in their current league position. Right, pop pickers, everyone ready? Not ‘arf!



There could only be one song for the Blues from the Kings Road. Roman Abramovich’s mantra for world domination summed up by Queen, I want it all. I am still hoping for the day a player sticks two fingers up to the Chelsea juggernaut and quotes the Elvis Costello song, I don’t want to go to Chelsea.



Ferry Across the Mersey I hear you cry. Not for me. Now I’m not sure about up north, but every cockney scouser I meet tells me how great Liverpool are and they tell me about their wonderful history and the brilliant players they are signing, etc, blah, blah, blah. They don’t stop rabbiting. Chas & Dave for the scousers, Rabbit.


Man City

Money is the hot topic up at East lands at the moment. City’s Thai owner facing corruption charges in his home country but has somehow been saved by Dr Sulaiman Al-Fahim, one of the richest men in the world. I’m going with Money, Money, Money – by Abba.



The Gunners are known for their Gallic flair, young players and beautiful football. I thought we needed something French, young and beautiful so went for the French classic, Joe le Taxi, Vanessa Paradis. She was only a teenager when the song was released, she is a pretty lass, ask Jonny Depp and she could not be more French. Flamini, Hleb, Hoyte and Senderos have all taken the Jo Le Taxi out of the Emirates this year.


West Ham

Top 5? How did they do that? In light of the general ill feeling bandied around at the moment for Alan Curbishley, The Libertines, Can’t stand me now is our number 5. From a personal perspective, I would love to have given them Hard Fi’s Hard to Beat, but we know that isn’t true. I think I will go with that eighties classic by Owen Paul. You’re my favourite waste of time!



I’ll admit, I found finding a song for Boro as quite difficult. I have gone with a tenuous link for this one. We all know Gareth Southgate possesses one of the best noses in the business. If you are of a certain generation, big nosed pop stars mean one thing. The legend that is, Barry Manilow. The Manilow classic, Mandy is the choice for Boro. Mandy to be slightly changed when sung by Southgate to Mido. Oh, Mido. You came and you gave…..


Aston Villa

There has been one big story in the Midlands this summer. Will Gareth Barry leave for greener pastures at Liverpool? Steelers Wheel, Stuck in the middle with you is perfect for the tug of war between the Villains and the Reds



Apologies Bolton fans. I can’t say I am a lover of your work up there and when I saw them last season at our place, I was very bored. The Ramones, I wanna be sedated sums it up perfectly for me.


Man United

Just creeping in the top 10 are the Champions League winners, they’re rubbish aren’t they?!!!! Nemanda Vidic was spouting off about all the things he doesn’t enjoy up in Manchester. Rain was his big problem so I think we need some Katrina and the Waves, Walking on Sunshine.



After watching his post match interviews over the past few weeks and his general demeanour during his illustrious playing career, I opted for Blur, Charmless Man. Incey, I’m sure you’re a lovely bloke but there you go!



The barcodes. What an enigma they are. They took a bit of a mauling at the weekend and lost one of their best players last week. King Kev is known for his positive and optimistic attitude, he’s really going to need it I think. The Killers, Mr Brightside for them.


Hull City

A 5 nil spanking and they are still riding high in the league! However, I think it will take a miracle for the Tigers to stay in the Premier League. They will need The Eye of the Tiger but I think it is more apt for Bob Dylan as I think their chances of staying up are Blowin’ in the Wind.



Again, I found this one a bit of a struggle. I cast my mind back to the turn of the century when I was spending a fair bit of time up in Wigan. I always had a good night out up there and enjoyed the hospitality. One thing I did notice was that there were a lot of orange people there. Now I live close to Essex and see lots of people who are in love with their sun beds but Wigan was truly impressive. Club Tropicana, Wham for Wigan.



Only one song possible for these guys and Mohammed Al Fayed. The Bangles classic, Walk like an Egyptian.



Can they stay in the top flight? A big fat no is my prediction. Bon Jovi, Livin’ on a Prayer anyone?



Dear old ‘Arry has got a strong team down at Pompey and I am sure they will be rising in to the top 6 before the end of the season. ‘Arry is known for his wheeling and dealing and taking a punt on a player. It has to be Underworld, Born Slippy.



A bit of a stuggle for the Toffees I’m afraid. I may have to revert to stereotype here. Hard Fi, Stars of CCTV. Sorry Scousers, I am just a soft, Southern nancy boy!



Apologies Bolton fans. I can’t say I am a lover of your work up there and when I saw them last season at our place, I was very bored. The Ramones, I wanna be sedated sums it up perfectly for me.



The Black Cats were well and truly stuffed by City yesterday which led to the great line from Roy Keane when interviewed after the game. When asked about the international break, Keane said he was glad it was here because he didn’t want to see some of his players for a while. Brilliant. When will I see you again, The Three Degrees.



There was only one song for this lot. Now we all know a Tottenham fan or two and they are usually a delusional bunch. Bucks Fizz, The Land of the Make Believe. Enough said.


West Brom

Again, only one song for the Baggies. Madness, Baggy Tousers.


There it is, the Top 20. Some, I admit are a little desperate but there you go. If any of you have any other suggestions, please let us know. Southgate can change Mandy to Mido! I saw them change Mandy to Quagmire on Family Guy the other week, brilliant. It can be done!





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  • Stevie

    great blog, very refreshing!!

    Today has been all transfer talk, come to think of it this season has been the biggest transfer speculation ever, all this proposed transfers not going through.

  • Darren

    moneys to tight to mention (Simpy Red) – Arsenal
    money for nothing (Dire Straights) – Arsenal
    Money Changes Everything (Cyndi Lauper) Arsenal

    I could go on!

  • tef1on

    Forever young (dont know who sang it) – Arsenal

  • Bakes

    A song for Robinho. How about Diana Ross, Do you know where you’re going to?

  • Jamie Farrier

    Nice one Bakes, I think Damn Yankees’ “Where you going now?!” has a bit more of a ring to it…

  • Darren

    there’s a sample used in Numero Uno called Talk is Cheap, i Dexy aka Atomic T knows his old banging tunes. This one is for Man City, and money can’t buy me love!

  • dexylongshot

    King Kev – Time to say Goodbye.

    Shearer – Come back to what you know-Embrace.

    No doubt, Alan will linked with the Geordies even though he has no experience, i’m quite looking forward to him taking over, i can watch from down here as he falls flat on his face.

  • dexylongshot

    This ones going out to the Thaksin – Dirty Cash, Stevie V

    Some noise in the place for the Thai Guy, oioi!!

  • Darren

    ‘baby come back’ ?
    ‘it’s over’ level 42

  • tef1on

    Manchester City – Paradise City – Guns n roses (after take over bid)

  • Stevie

    wow, now go,
    walk out the door,
    don’t turn around now,
    cos you’re not welcome anymore,
    I’ve got so much love to give
    I’ve got so much life to live,
    I was strong,
    I learnt how to get along….

    who’s song is then ?

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