Premier League Predictions

by Mystical Mike

Monday, January 28th, 2008

Arsenal V Newcastle

As a great philosopher once said, ‘It’s my life take it or leave it’. Keegan revealed it was Doctor Alban who inspired him to give it one more go. Two games in, no wins, no goals but plenty of love. Unfortunately love doesn’t win you trophies. Speaking of winning trophies, Arsenal seriously need to win one themselves this season, a welcome 3 points should further their cause.

Prediction 2-0


Bolton v Fulham

Rumor has it Darius will be singing ‘Hit me one more time’ before this blockbuster of a game, being a Fulham fan he wants to spread the love and give some of that Xfactor to Championship bound Fulham. Gary Megson quite fancies Darius so he agreed.

Prediction 2-1


Sunderland v Birmingham

The black Cats are the 8th biggest club in Europe, according to their transfer dealings. Roy has had no Joy in the market, buying more flops than a Brighton nick nack shop. Between them, the Birmingham squad have the biggest collection of Smurfs in the world.

Prediction 1-1


Middlesbrough v Wigan

In Aliadiere & Lee, Boro have the leagues most potent strike force, both are huge curry fans and can often be seen at the Shimla Tandoori restaurant on Henry Street. Wigan are looking forward to the release of the Titus is a tit DVD, a complication of his biggest and best bloopers, which should generate some much needed cash.

Prediction 0-0


Chelsea v Reading

Frank Lumplard is so upset with getting zero attention at present, he has decided to release another autobiography entitled ‘Frank, my hair and me’. In Stephen Hunt, Reading have a player with lots of hair.

Prediction 3-0


Derby v Man City

Derby are so rubbish that even championship struggles Preston banged in 4 at Pride Park. Every now and then there is a freak result, and this could be it. City should win by 5 or 6, but will only win by 1.

Prediction 0-1


Everton v Tottenham

David Moist was voted the scariest man in football by the Derby & Joan club. Peggy was so pleased that Spurs beat their rivals in the Mickey Mouse Cup that she had promised to wear her Disney ears until Spurs lost another game, 5 days of embarrassment was all she could take anyway.

Prediction 2-1


Man Utd v Portsmouth

Wayne Rooney is a big Coco Pops fan, when Ronaldo knocks for him he often tells his mum to say ‘he’s not coming out today, he’d rather have a bowl of Coco Pops’. Sol Campbell has gone mad again, Papa Bouba Diop doesn’t fancy him and never did, ah bless.

Prediction 3-1


West Ham v Liverpool

Kieran Dyer recently came 2nd in the national hopping Olympics, he broke down in tears shouting ‘it’s the first trophy I’ve ever won’. Rafa Benitez applied for the same event claiming this could be Liverpool’s best chance of silver wear.

Prediction 2-2


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  • Ben

    quality reading!

    Frank, My Hair and Me, you’re not far wrong!

  • Dexy Longshot

    POOR old Scousers, I was in a Brit bar in Africa (on business of course) when Noble knocked in that pen in late doors. The African boys went nuts, apparently the owner was a Hammer and gave out free shots. My head is still thumpiing, I feel as sick as Rafa!!!

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