The 1970′s All Stars

by Dexy Longshot

Wednesday, January 21st, 2009

In case you missed my brilliant article over Christmas because you were to busy stuffing your face with turkey and booze then here it is again.

We’ve had celebrity teams all year what with footy aid, World Cup Legends and the Masters on, but what would be your all time Cop Show 11. Players who take no prisoners in the tackles and then go home to a tasty bit of fluff. After a drunken booze-up with fellow scribe Gentleman Jim Baker, The Den presents the real celebrity match up you have all been waiting for. The UKFF 70’s v 80s. Cop show showdown* Hope you enjoy. If there is anyone I’ve overlooked, please feel free to add to the list. We maybe be able to get them in before the mid season deadline.

*This will be screened on LWT after Saint & Greavsie next Saturday lunchtime

Check out tomorrow’s 1980’s edition.

70's cop team


The 70’s All Stars

Keeper – Columbo

With his rugged old head and skills in reading an opponents next moves, who better than Dirty old man Mac wearing super sleuth Columbo between the sticks. His glass eye is also a useful strength for seeing around walls, well it worked for Banks.


Full Backs – Starsky & Hutch

The cops with the sexiest wheels on the street would be dead certs at the fullback slots. The way they can slide over their car bonnets are nothing to way they slide into tackles. Their best mate, Huggy Bear is also an excellent scout with his “word on the street” information on prospective recruits.


Centre Halves – Regan & Carter

Slap! Shut it you slag, you’re nicked!!
The Sweeney are at the back and they ain’t had their dinner so be warned. Regan & Carter regularly make mincemeat out of opposing upstarts who dare to rob them of the ball in open play. Both excellent trappers of the size 5, they like nought better than shutting their opponents trap with a doughboy before going home to give the tart one, bless their cottons!


Left Wing – Kojak

Ron Atkinson famously referred to the lost art of the lollipop. Well this legend Telly “Kojak” Savalas invented it. El Tel also influenced a generation of Trilby lovers including my good self – and Pete Dohc. Also very handy to have in the side when the going gets tough if it goes to pens, I.e. World Wars & Wild West shootouts. Who luvs ya baby!


Right Wing – Jim Rockford

Chorlton and The wheelies had nothing on the Swedes when they were preparing for the 2002 World Cup. It was all about the contents of Freddie’s grooming bag. Olof borrowed Freddies tweezers without asking and it all went of handbag style. Boys will be ladyboys.


Defensive Mid – Steve McGarrat

Hawaii’s No1 export before Lost, 5-0s Steve McGarrat was a no nonsense copper with an excellent inside knowledge of the laws as well as an awesome bongo bashing theme toon which Jive bunny mashed up to worldwide success. This law knowledge will cut opposition down to size when he has a word in the refs shell-like every 5 minutes with “Book him Danno!”


Attacking Mid – Steve Austin

Another Steve in the middle but this one’s different, after a nasty injury (his spaceship crashed on lift-off), the physio gave him a few… er shall we say extras. They have rebuilt him, stronger, faster, better than before. New Bionic legs help him get box to box in no time and he has a pukka thunderbolt of a shot (2 mile range within an inch of accuracy) plus a bionic mince pie for seeing around walls (like Columbo). At just 6 million dollars, he’s a bargain and my Diamond!


Striker – John Shaft

The Black private dick who’s a sex machine to all the chicks would make Ronaldo’s prowess with the fairer sex look like myself with the UKFF girls, a non starter. Big Shaft up front would strike the fear into goalies the world over. You see, that cat Shaft is a bad mother..shut-ur-mouth! in front of the onion bag, – HE CAN DIG IT!!!!… He really can…John Shaft!


Striker – Jason King

Another smoothie up front is the always impeccably turned out Jason King! With a handlebar tache groomed to perfection and the influence for Mike Myers Austin Powers, the sheer luridness of The King’s wardrobe would stun defences into hiding from the bright floral arrangements. Although a regular scoresman with the hotties, rumours still persist of his ability to get round the back of the last man and lobbing one into the box. Enough! Full time.


Manager – Perry Mason

Asst Jock Manager – Mackay from Porridge


On the bench

The Saint – pretty handy but tends to go missing in some games.
Streets of San Francisco’s Veteran cop Lt. Mike (Bumnose) Stone & Steve (I married Zeta) Keller – The Shearer and Owen old/young combo.

Chairman – Jonathan Hart (A Self made Millionaire)
Physios – Dr Kildare & Who (Tom Baker edition)
Chief Wag – Jennifer Hart
Wags In Waiting. Charlie’s Angels
Bootboys. Max from Hart to Hart.
Team Mascot – Freeway



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  • dani

    greetings from Butlins in spain, where the air is cool and the word on the street is oi oi how´s your father!

    quality blog by the way.

  • Darren

    Quality dexy, quality! Yr best piece yet!

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