The Arsenal linked with Xl – Would this team win the title?

by Mystical Mike

Monday, July 29th, 2013

So here we are, another summer of rumours, bullish*t, made up stories and false promises. And I’m not just talking about crappy blogs like Caught Offside etc… The nationals have been in full bullish*t mode too. Yep, it can only be Arsenal, who seem  to have the best PR team on the planet. World class names have been linked, world class names have been unlinked.

We all know that the Arsenal board and Wenger in particular are not interested in spending money, forget about the 70 million or so we have in the bank, Arsenal are constantly stuck in Groundhog Day. Season after season the poor fans are fed lies about signing world class talent. It never happens of course. But just imagine, if for once, they actually kept to their word and signed all the players they were linked with. What then? Would they actually be title contenders or all fronts?

Here’s my Arsenal linked with Xl

GK Julio Cesar QPR
Available for as little as 2m. A solid international keeper who would give our current crop something to think about.
Bullsh*t rating 3 out of 10

LB Leighton Baines Everton
Andre Santos 6m, Nacho Monreal 8.5m. Do the math.
Bullsh*t rating 10 out of 10

CB Ashely Williams Swansea
With Thomas Vermaelen injured, and out of form, the Gunners desperately need back up. The no nonsense Williams would be an excellent acquisition. A done deal months ago, yet The Swans say they haven’t received a bid. Available for 10m, yet the board aren’t prepared to offer more than 6m and a few boxes of outdated crisps.
Bullsh*t rating 2 out of 10

CB Kyriakos ­Papadopoulos Schalke
Perhaps one of the more farcical links. Arsenal have been monitoring the 21 year old Greek defender who is available for 19m. Can you imagine Wenger spending that amount of money on a defender? Simply hilarious.
Bullsh*t rating 10 out of 10

RB Lukasz Piszczek Dortmund
Arsenal have been regularly scouting the performances of Lukasz Piszczek, the Borussia Dortmund right-back. I’m sure they have, but Wenger signed a perfectly capable league one player with amazing potential. Why on earth would he spend 13m on this one?
Bullsh*t rating 9 out of 10

MF Bernard Atletico Miniero
The pint sized Brazilian wonderkid is wanted by some of Europes top clubs. The Arsenal PR team have offered Minero a Beta version of FIFA 14 and 5m quid. 
Bullsh*t rating 7 out of 10

MF Juan Mata Chelsea
My favourite of the lot. We bulked at the 23m price tag two seasons ago, the little Spaniard was the leagues most consistent player last season and now must be worth close to 35m. The person responsible for this rumour needs to be sacked now, or be forced to watch Big Brother 708 live.
Bullsh*t rating 200 out of 10

MF Nani Manchester United
This rumour has been circulating for almost a year. If it was going to happen it would have been part of the RVP deal.
Bullsh*t rating 9 out of 10

MF Marouane Fellaini Everton
Arsenal have been crying out for a powerhouse midfielder for years. The Everton star has that rare quality to win the battle in the tunnel, something they’ve not had since Patrick Veira. Available for 21m. Arsenal pretended to be interested but are waiting or Manchester United to sign him.
Bullsh*t rating 9 out of 10

CF Wayne Rooney Manchester United
FACT. Manchester United do not sell to their rivals, which means The Gunners must be in with a shout of signing Rooney. Unfortunately it was just a pathetic rumour to get Arsenal fans to part with their cash for season tickets. Available for 25m, an absolute bargain for a player of his quality.
Bullsh*t rating 9 out of 10

CF Luis Suarez Real Mardid
We all know that deep down Arsenal do not expect to sign the Uruguayan cheat. There’s no doubting his ability on the pitch but is he really an Arsenal player? Wenger will huff, puff, only for Real Madrid to blow his doors in. Well that’s what the board are hoping for anyway. They should have been more forceful and signed Gonzalo Higuain back in May. Yep, that transfer really did go on for 2 months.
Bullsh*t rating 8 out of 10

Verdict: Another frustrating summer for the Gunners. This was their chance to catch up with the big 3 and make a statement by signing world class talent. Anyone can bid for a player or show interest, but unfortunately the Arsenal board haven’t quite worked that out that you have to actually pay for these players. There is hope with 3 weeks to go before the start of the season. So please prove me wrong Mr Wenger and sign Rooney, Williams & Fellani. I have a feeling will sign them, but it will only be on FIFA 14.





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  • Merv

    What a load of bulls*t.
    Waste of my 5 minutes reading this, that i will not get back. How about an apology please?

  • Mystical Mike

    @ Merv – Buy a hat stand for all your hats, it will improve your life

  • Merv

    Mike, your BS rating for Suarez and Williams should be the other way round. You do realise we have had bids turned down for LS.
    I would think AW is thinking of adding a striker before he buys anyon else
    See why I have had a go at you from the onset?

  • Theo

    I feel fans are just obsessed with signings like its football manager or something. I feel the squad needs a few players no doubt but i just dont undertand when people keep saying ashley williams for 10 million. Why pay 10 million for a player who will be 4th choice? It doesnt mean if we have money we just need to throw it out on average players just to say ohh arsenal have signed players

  • Philip

    Suarez is never going to happen. As for Rooney to Arsenal. Dream on. Pogo Sangioo or what ever his name is the only player yl sign

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