The Premier League 10 years from now

by Dexy Longshot

Sunday, July 13th, 2008

The date is 12th July 2018, and Roberto di Nostradamo reports back from the flurry of summer activity…

As the last bottle of Coke Hero (whoever thought a sugar-free cola sprinkled with a touch of cocaine would prove so popular?) is swept from the terraces of Wembley and we tear ourselves away from one of the most shambolic World Cups ever hosted, we look towards to the transfer market and try to separate the talent from the overhyped.

Chelsea are looking like a safe bet to secure the services of not-so-prolific striker Andreas Putziki, who insiders at Chelsea are hailing as their answer to all their problems, having slumped to only 4 wins in their last 5 games and languished in 3rd place in the Premier League, with only the Carling Cup as their saving grace.

Manchester United, meanwhile, could be in for a shock return for David Beckham, who impressed in the opening group games with England but gave away a throw-in in their quarter final defeat to Australia, again losing on penalties. While many are blaming Beckham for England’s shock exit, manager Roy Keane has hailed Beckham as the man to bring the good times back to New Trafford. Keane has it all to do next season after the axe came down on Brian McClair’s disastrous season in charge, where United narrowly avoided relegation. Despite finishing in the relegation zone, they were saved by Premiership sponsors Sky, who invoked the new law that spares team relegation if they ‘have a bob or two’.

Liverpool’s rampage at the top continues, with Fernando Torres netting 54 goals in the league, and most notably crossing for his son Michel, just 9 years old, to head home and hammer the final nail in the coffin for Northampton Town’s disastrous debut season in the Premiership. Man of the moment Rafa Benitez is targeting a number of players, all of whom are from Spain, to add to his current all-Spanish squad.

Times are looking good for Newcastle, who saw the return to the field of play of Dennis Wise following his stint as a Director of Football. Nobody really noticed how close to the pitch Wise was becoming as each week progressed, until someone spotted he was running the line when the assistant referee injured himself in the game against Arsenal. He is expected to take the number 11 shirt next season from Luca Toni, who is currently unable to find his way out of the St James Park dressing room.

Toon manager Alan Shearer will be looking to cement his place in the Big Four by signing new star Lee Polazo, courtesy of a Ronaldo Ruling transfer. Polazo was unable to leave on a Bosman Ruling as he had just penned a seven-year deal with Barcelona four months earlier, but was granted his wish as a clause in his contract invoked the new law that states player can be transferred when they publicly state they want to leave and continue to make such noises until the media declares his desire to move a ‘transfer saga’.

Finally, spare a thought for poor Adrian Chiles, whose unfortunate incident with toxic waste, a bucket of sand and the pack of Alsatians has left him a gibbering wreck and consigned to presenting the much-maligned Match of the Day 3. He has since declared his undying support for Peterborough United.

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  • tef1on

    The scary thing is…

    This is what it will be like!

    Very funny

  • Stevie

    excellent article, very very funny indeed. Imagine the wages in 10 years time Brooklyn Beckham will be at United on 2 million per week but will make the club 10 million per year on merchandise

  • Danny Brothers

    I used to admire Chiles until his turn coat ways sent him to Peterborough…he must be about to become a huge wreck if that’s the case…no-one in their right mind would shack up at London Road.

  • JazzyG

    in 10 years from now Posh will be playing for Posh who are now called Beckhams Cats, no tackling will be allowed, hence making the game more PC and available to anyone and everyone.

    There will be 10 goals, 4 along the goal line, and 1 on the half way touchline. The Yanks will re-name it Strikegoals making the game more exciting. There will be 10 half times and 5 time outs per team, thus giving more time for TV ads which will in effect bring in more wages to pay the likes Tom Cruise’s kids, Jay Z, Snoop & Witney Houston.

    The staduims will hold 400,00 and everyone will get free burgers chill dogs & jumbo sized Cokes.

    Posh will finally get a number 1 single when England get to play the US & A in the World Cup final, only because George Bush 3 will ban every other country except The US & A and England competing.

  • Jamie Shoesmith

    Scary visions for the future indeed. It’s very odd how the imagination just runs away with you when imagining the future of fooball. While many see it as bleak, I think a lot of people saw the game as doomed 10 or 20 years ago.

    Roberto di Nostradamus will return next month with his August 2018 report – he’s currently working on the right wavelength to channel his report through Des Lynam’s left nut.

  • Darren

    Chelsea will be in the Blue Square Prem as Abravich would have left as they still haven’t won the Champions League.

    Wenger will lead Hong Kong to World Cup glory, England still haven’t won a penalty shoot out.

    Fergi will own the race horse to break to the 200 mph speed limit.

    Dwain Chambers son will break the 100 m record with a time 7.98, he will later be suspended for using turbo robotics.

    Noel Edmonds will be London Mayer introducing ‘everyone must wear home knitted jumpers’ or Mr Blobby will knock on your door and shame u up live on air.

    Yep, see what you mean, one tend to get carried away. Great article by the way, looking forward to the instalment.

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