Ten Things I Hate About Blue

by Patrick Curry

Thursday, May 14th, 2009
 

Now the dust has settled and Tom Henning Ovrebo has escaped Britain without being lynched, one thing has become abundantly clear after last Wednesday Champions League semi-final; neutral football fans, almost to a man, were desperate to see Barcelona go through.  Chelsea fans aside, no one has been that bothered by the referee’s woeful performance.  This may have been because Barca play sublime football.  It might have also been because people wanted the ‘Hollywood Final’ of Man Utd vs Barca.  They may not have wanted a repeat of last years final.  But it also could be down to what seems to be an almost universal hatred of Chelsea.  So what are the reasons why people hate Chelsea so much?  Here’s my top 10.

1 – Didier Drogba

The swearing, the diving, the constant tantrums and protestations that he feels unloved and underappreciated, Drogba scores great goals but he is essentially a flat track bully who falls over like a little girl in a playground at the slightest touch of a defender’s arm.  With any luck he’ll finally leave this summer and we won’t have to put up with his antics week in week out.

2 – Roman’s Billions

Since his arrival at Chelsea in 2003 he has grossly distorted the British transfer market bringing players in seemingly at will and making an already uneven playing field almost unplayable.  Broke the then British transfer record when he signed Shevchenko in May 2006 for 30 million pounds and as of May 2009 has spent well over 600 million pounds on the club.

3 – Fat Fwank and JT

From a Chelsea POV, ‘Lamps’ is England’s most talented midfielder, a constant goal threat from midfield and a player who bosses games in the centre of the park.  JT is an inspirational leader who dominates strike-forces and is not afraid to put his head in where it hurts.  To all other fans Fwank is massively overrated, lives off the hard work of Essien and specializes in deflected goals.  JT is a ref baiting chav who has to make last ditch tackles and put his head in where it hurts because he constantly gets caught out of position.

4 – Big Team Reputation

Chelsea fans like to think of themselves as one Europe’s biggest clubs but the fact is that 20 years ago Chelsea weren’t even in the top division.  In 1982-83 they were almost relegated to the old 3rd division.  They weren’t part of the traditional big five of Man Utd, Everton, Liverpool, Arsenal and Tottenham and they don’t have a rich history of playing good football.  The arrival of Gullit in the mid 90s changed their fortunes and subsequently Abramovich has transformed them but bought success will never compete with earned greatness and deep down Chelsea fans know that it could all crumble if the Russian gets bored of his play thing.

5 – Peter Kenyon and Brand Chelsea

Representing the odious side of modern football, Kenyon comes from a marketing background and deals with all the commercial activities at Chelsea.  He is responsible for promoting Chelsea as a brand to Asia and the rest of the world and is intent on making them a super club.  However, his smug visage and slimy conduct are not conducive to promoting a trustworthy image.  Likewise his involvement in the tapping up of Erikkson and Ashely Cole makes him distinctly unpalatable and he seems like a perfect fit for a club so easy to hate.

6 – Cashley Cole

Judged on footballing ability alone Cole is top notch.  Judged on other attributes he is less likeable.  He was famously derisory of a 55’000k per week contract offer from Arsenal.  He abused Mike Riley (not too bad in itself) and turned his back on the official after a late lunge on Alan Hutton at White Hart Lane.  He met with Kenyon and Mourinho while still an Arsenal player.  He released an autobiography (My Defence) at just 25 years old.  Hilariously this sold just 4000 copies in its first 6 weeks.  Inexplicably he cheated on Cheryl Cole.  He advertised the National Lottery dressed in a white suit and a medallion.  Need I go on?

7 – Cuddly Ken Bates

Bought the club for 1 pound back in 1982 and stayed for 24 controversial years.  He once suggested that the club install electric fences to keep its fans from the pitch and was involved in disputes with, amongst others, Matthew Harding, Peter Osgood and Martin O’Neill, even going so far as to call Harding an ‘evil man’ a year after Harding had died in a helicopter crash.  Now chairman of Leeds, Bates went someway to redeeming himself in the eyes of Chelsea detractors by describing Abramovich and the Chelsea board as ‘a bunch of shysters from Siberia’.

8 – Celebrity Fans

Strange as it may sound, you can tell a lot about a club by its celebrity fans.  Where Spurs followers include Peter Cook, Bob Marley, Warren Mitchell and Ray Liotta, some of Chelsea’s more famous fans are John Major, David Mellor and Tim Lovejoy.  Incidentally Arsenal’s celebrity fan club numbers Jeremy Beadle, Rory McGrath and Dale Winton amongst its members while Man Utd have Terry Christian, Angus Deayton and Eamonn Holmes in their fan club.

9 – The Headhunters

Not seen so often these days, Chelsea have a rich history in one area of their club, that of fan violence.  In the 1970s the infamous Headhunters had running battles with Leeds United fans and widespread racism was present within the group.  A 1999 BBC documentary on them uncovered links to various white supremacist organizations such as the National Front.  This is one part of Chelsea that won’t be included in any of Kenyon’s ‘Brand Chelsea’ material.

10 – Dennis Wise

Perhaps the man who kicked started the current generation of Chelsea haters, Alex Ferguson once said of Wise that ‘he could start a fight in an empty house’.  Spent his formative years at Wimbledon but came into his own during his 11 years at Chelsea.  He had disciplinary problems both on and off the field not least a 1995 conviction for assaulting a taxi driver.  This resulted in being given a 3 month jail sentence which was later overturned but for many his nastiness personified Chelsea.

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  • dexylongshot

    I heard Cashley bought 2987 copies himself after the first month.

  • Stevie

    I heard that, it sold a massive 4000 copies.

    I hate the way all the Chavs say JT. really gets my goat up

  • Ash

    Michael Ballack is another reason, a walking (cos I dont think he can run) talking version of a football mercanary. What has he done in his two seasons at Chelsea to warrent the 100 odd grand a week he earns. The word over-rated was invented for this man!

  • Ash

    On and forced atmosphere on Champions League night with their free flags and fake fans!

  • Kenny Shankly-Paisley

    All good points. I hope to God Barca beat the Scum in the final too. In a similar fashion to how they beat Chelski would be perfect, but any win will do.

    Which team has the best celebrity fans? The Spurs effort you mention is pretty good – how about Liverpool with Samuel L Jackson, Karl Kennedy, Dr Dre and Les Dennis?

    ps the odious Chelsea contingent are one of the main reasons I (and many others I suspect) couldn’t give a monkey’s about England anymore. The white van men, housewives and Carlisle fans are welcome to them.

  • Justin

    re: Ken Bates and “He once suggested that the club install electric fences to keep its fans from the pitch”

    If memory serves me correct, he actually DID install it, a single electric wire running above and along the normal fence;

    http://www.10menwent2mow.com/images/Electric_Fence.jpg

  • Patrick

    One thing I like about Chelsea is Winston Bogarde. Got a fat contract then dossed around the reserves for 4 years and got paid handsomely for doing nowt. Played just 11 times in 4 years and got 40’000 grand a week for doing it. Apparently he was demoted to the youth team in a bid to force him to move but he just turned up every day and trained the hours his contract stipulated. Brilliantly during his time at Chelsea they won the FA Cup and despite not playing at all during the cup run, the victory triggered a bonus payment clause in his contract. Who amongst us wouldn’t do the same for nearly 15 million euros? Fair play to him for rinsing them for a lot of money.

  • Martin Tibbetts

    celeb fans? You can’t beat Leicester City – Englebert Humperdinck, Willie Thorne, Rusty Lee, the late Bill Maynard, Kasabian and Gary Lineker…beat that line up!

  • Martin Tibbetts

    ooops, just killed off Bill Maynard prematurely, he is still alive and 80 years old, just not appearing in Heartbeat any more, then no-one is!

  • James Appleton

    Hilarious!

  • Mike Somerville

    Gary Lineker and Kasabian, that’s just obvious but Englebert Humperdink- awesome!

  • Mr. Dauren Main_Event Serkaziyev

    Now people from the East know why the sons of Abramovich are in a good place of Britain)

  • Patrick

    Got to give it to Abramovich – he always has some fit girl on his arm.

  • Darren

    any man with billions would have a fit girl on his arm… Just look at Dexy!

  • dexylongshot

    Oh yeah! drowning in a sea of crumpet, of course!

    (Then he wakes up & looks at Peggy!)

  • Tef1on

    Tom Hanks supports Aston Villa cause he liked the name!

  • Patrick

    Mike Reid (Frank Butcher) is a Millwall fan. No surprise there really. Hope they get done in the play off final.

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