Ten Predictions for 2011-12 Premiership Season

by Robbie Blakeley

Wednesday, July 27th, 2011
 

It’s just 17 days away, folks. The hope, the anxiety, the butterflies in your stomach remedied by six pints – and above all the trepidation. Yes, another Premier League season is upon us!

In order to save yourselves the stress and the heartache, I’ll just tell you what’s going to happen over the coming months. Enjoy the ride!

1) Manchester United start slowly
OK, so this isn’t exatly ground-breaking stuff, but this time I mean sloooooowly. Seducing your boss’s wife slowly. It has to be done with caution and subtlety. Now the Red Devils aren’t particularly cautious or subtle, but they’re not particularly breathtaking either, and with the loss of Van der Sar, Ferdinand awaiting a couple of new hips and a spine, the rock steady defence could be a little more leaky than usual. Still expect them to be collecting the trophy at the end of the season though.

2) QPR go down on the final day as their 6th manager of the season looks on in despair
Probably in front of a crowd of about 4,000 judging by the ticket hike at Price Loftus Road. Old Flavio seems intent on derailing QPR even before their return to the top flight has begun with the absurd suggestion that Neil Warnock will be replaced. After a solid start to the season with QPR in 13th, Warnock will be shown the door to be replaced by a line of little known Italian managers, culminating in Claudio Ranieri’s arrival somewhere in early April. Alas, it’s too little too late though….

3) Torres bags the Golden Boot
Looks right now like he couldn’t even score in a brothel, El Nino will rediscover his shooting boots by bagging 7 against Norwich, spurring him on to put 5 past Swansea, Blakburn and Wigan. Still goes missing against anyone in the top half of the table though.

4) Wigan Attempt Total Football
Unfortunately, the pitch at the DW stadium is also used for rugby league. By the time the football team takes to the grass in November it resembles Glastonbury in heavy rain. Roberto Martinez’s two-touch slick pass-and-move football is literally stuck in the mud. Hold onto your hats for a dozen goalless draws at the DW this term.

5) Balotelli Storms out of City
After being awarded a last minute penalty at Old Trafford to win the game, Balotelli is given the responsibility. In a daring act of showmanship, he gets down on his knees and attempts to drill the ball from twelve yards with his nose. The ball travels one and a half yards before de Gea moves forward and picks it up. Mancini goes ape at the final whistle, to which Balotelli responds with a well placed head butt, earning a transfer to Milan.

6) Blackburn Win a Game
Just one. Sometime over Christmas, when everyone else is knackered.

7) Arsenal Win Ugly
Finally realising all that fancy pants stuff is just for show-offs, Arsene takes his side to Old Trafford, plays nine men behind the ball, Alex Song and Koscielny receive marching orders and the Gunners manage just one shot on goal to United’s 39. It’s the one that counts though, as new recruit Kevin Davies bundles a corner over the line for a 1-0 win.

8) Newcastle have a Normal Season
No managerial changes, no player brawls, no fat berk swigging lager and grinning like Tim Lovejoy on speed. Joey Barton’s Jimmy Neutron hair becomes a Geordie fashion must-have, whilst the Magpies are guided by a controversy free Alan Pardew to a respectable 10th place finish. Yawn. Wake me up when next season begins.

9) Everton in Reverse
Every year, those damn Toffees do the same sodding thing. A dreadful start seems them lingering dangerously close to the relegation zone, before a January resurgence sees them go on a run that, had they kept it up for the entire season, would have seen them in the top four. Just for a laugh, Moyes decides to do things a little differently. A blistering start, with 15 wins from their first 16 games has them nine points clear with pundits frothing at the mouth and waiting for history to be made. Unfortunately, in the remaining 22 games they collect a number of points which wouldn’t stop them from driving. Seventh again.

10) Richard Keys and Andy Gray apologise for years of misogyny and general arseniess.
Hahahahahaha!! I felll off my hair just writing that!!

 

 

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  • http://www.my11.com charlie coffey

    Torres goes missing against big clubs? I’m a Man United fan and he’s been mainly awesome against us since he arrived. Well, in a Liverpool shirt anyway!

    Sorry to be a pedantic twat but you spelled Blackburn wrong!

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