UK Football Finder meets Borat

by Dexy Longshot

Thursday, June 4th, 2009

UK Football Finder встречает Borat

England take on the first of a double header in Kazakhstan on Saturday in what will be the furthest they have ever traveled for a qualifier. The country was made famous recently by Sasha Cohen but we wanted to meet the real people of the country.

In preparation of Saturdays England World Cup Qualifier in Kazastan, UKFF managed to catch up with Almaty Stadiums unofficial Ambassador of Sport, Borat Shondoquiv.

UKFF – Greetings from England Borat, Thanks for doing this interview, since your countries independence in 1992, how long have you been in charge of the Stadium?

BORAT – Ahh 15 years, our Almaty World Famous Carlton Palmer Stadium was opened in 1994 by England Legends Earl Barrett & Andy Sinton! Even today, peoples take Polaroid of the 300-foot statues of England’s most famous Trio outside the stadium’s 2 toilets (both with flush). My wive is 3rd official stadium toilet cleaner. She even sits by the toilet cubicle air vent hole during games so no man can be spied on when he has to go anoooos. She make good money, high fiiive!!!

UKFF – Reports suggest the stadium has only allowed a capacity of 20 seats for the world press (500+). How will you combat this?

BORAT – This is nonsense, our world-class stadia easily hold 688’060 mans last year for the annual Kazastan Big Brother final, the Micheal Rikkets press bench has enough room for sure. We also have Duchees hot dog van. One delicious Duchee Hot Dog is enough to feed a family for 4 days! Our selection of foods has vastly improved in Kazastan ever since the Stadium was declared radio-active free! we now have 5 national dishes. Duchee Hotdog, Goat Nips, Horse haramph on a stick, Tiger Brain and Chef Nzarevs Special Bear Bhall soup, watch out, eets hot one hehehe.

UKFF – Is it true, there is a no woman rule in the Stadium but cattle are deemed acceptable? How can players perform with livestock on the pitch?

BORAT – yeees this is true as the woman shфt everywhere and their breests get stepped on during much man on man touching during celebration of goals. One woman was allowed once but she finished match covered in goop and many bull & cocks had good time, Niiiiiiccce!!

UKFF – How will your players relax before and after the game on Saturday?

BORAT – Most players will be having nice time at the Stadiums newly built Franny Jeffers Discothèque, the only disco in whole of Kazakhstan with delicious Campari and VIP stable. It is tradition that whole teams drink manshine our local drink, only one man killed in 4 months drinking this, and that was because the bull took angry at him being friendly with his cow. My sister will come and look after some of them, not all as she was too tired for game last time. Others will find lady of the night and smoke her hair, is that what you say when you give good too her, naughty naughty!!!!

UKFF – Kazastan (rated 131 in the world, just below heavyweights Haiti) has a local legend in all time top goalscorer Zuberev, 12 goals in 18! What is he doing now & how do you think your strikers will fair against Fabio’s 3 Lions.
You have only 3 points and we beat you 5-1 at Wembley with a Rooney brace.

BORAT – Zuberev is now Priminister of All Kazakhstan and was delivered 27 mules when he crushed the magic 3-goal record, he shares them with his 7 brothers. I think the game will be easy, we can run 4 kilometer now, that is without car battery attached to our haramph!!! We will have too much for your England, our fans will roar on my Kazakhstan team and gypsy will curse your Terry Captain.

We have old saying. “A woman with 2 horns is like a ogre with piglet breest” Rooney, he is an ogre; we must grab him by the horns and destroy him, down the well, down the well! Can I go now; I need to make a shфt. Chenquieh!

Bфrat Shфnglфt
Kazakhstan Ambassador to UKFF
ишваВСлцифеик РЕЧацнкации квалификаc UKFF

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  • Darren


    Fantastic, he sounds like top lad! I wouldn’t mind seeing his wife on matchday either!

  • Matt Quinn

    Ive been to the Franny Jeffers discotheque. I paid a lot of money but got nowhere near any foxes or boxes.

  • Darren

    Timmy Mallet works there as a magician, great show, check it out!

  • dexylongshot

    Borat said he’ll crush us 5-0, i think we’ll mug em up 3-0. I ‘ll probably be in the toilets when the goals fly in. Niiiicee!

  • Darren

    I’ll think it will be a scrappy doo 0-1. Then we’ll smash Andorra 5-0, game over, qualified, simples!

  • jimmy the gent

    Wicked interview Dexy, one of the funniest yet, a few other sites are doing the borat thing but they don’t touch this!!! I’ve got a mate in the know and he has told me Carlton Cole may be starting alongside Rooney???

  • Marcus

    Excellent. Hi Five. Hilarious.

    I like a sexy time with my mother in law.

  • Dan

    Yakshemash! In US of A, democracy is very different from Kazakhstan. In America, woman *can* vote, but horse – *cannot*!

  • Dexylongshot

    Really Carlton Cole to start, 3 hammers on the pitch, we all knows what happens when a cockney based trio play in World Cup games. Greeno has gotta start, they’ll be a England blog before the Andorra game about him. Chenquieh!

  • Darren

    to be fair, you could play the whole West Ham team including the kids and we would still win those 2 games!!

  • Dexylongshot

    I still wanna know if Borat is gonna sort me out some freebies for the VIP Stable.

  • Borat

    Chenquieh!, I hope you no take donkey piss8s from me?
    Dexy my friend, I rememebrs you say when I come to England for your Discoteque, you promise me big woman, me is liking your Sophie Big Brother, will she drink my mansshine in July at UKFF party, sexy time!!! Can I bring my friend Mungo, he like her a lot heheh! He also like Teddy Sheringhams!

  • Dexy Longshot

    Borat, you should be putting the finishing touches to my visit to the Almaty Carlton Palmer Stadium. I’m getting on the plane tonight, for anyone who didn’t read the interview:

  • Borat

    She will be my 7th wife. Big Brother Sophie Reade, will you make marrys with me, I promise you plenty sexy time and picture of Andy Sinton’s statues xxxx

  • dexylongshot

    Seroiusly chaps, what do you reckon 3-0 to our boys methink. Right, i’ve got a plane to catch!

  • Darren

    a Steve McClaren esq performance, just as well its a results game as thats as bad as England have played in a long time. How many times did we give the ball away or knock it long to no one?

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