Weekly Report: Carroll clichés and the best volley ever?

by Luke Bradshaw

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

Andy Carroll is on a mission, not that he knows it of course. While the lank-haired Geordie goes about his goal scoring business and bed-time story routine with the Nolan kids, he is unknowingly collecting as many footballing clichés as possible.

The “big man” has become “a real handful” for Premier League defenders due to his “classic number 9” style. Add to this his “good touch for a big man”, the fact that he is “surprisingly quick” and a “real English-style forward”, you know, “old fashioned”. I know “he’s had his problems” but if he can just “get his head sorted”, he should have a great career ahead of him.

Throw all the generic terms and clichés you want at him, it doesn’t matter; I can’t get enough of the big man. His greased pony-tail flailing around, as his Neanderthal physique, not to mention features, dominate everyone around him. It is one thing to out jump a petrified Fabianski, but to beat Chris Samba (regularly) to headers, is quite another.

How long before huge, leaping headers become ‘Carroll-esque’? Maybe the great man can create his very own cliché to umbrella all the rest. The Carroll header is now in fashion. Forget the Delap throw, how are defenders going to deal with the Carroll header?

Newcastle’s plangent support must love Carroll. They love Chris Hughton nearly as much, particularly as he is now growing his hair into a Newcastle kit. And they will still love Joey Barton – who has been excellent – despite almost literally punching the self-destruct button in the form of Morten Gamst Pedersen.

What else did we learn this week? Well, it turns out Liverpool are a much better team when Gerrard and Torres are in form. Despite changes in personnel, and tactical dabbling, it will come as no shock that the club began picking up wins with talismanic displays from their two only world-class players (that’s a lie, Pepe Riena is world-class also).

In Manchester, despite the red half winning every trophy going in their history, and despite the blue half winning as many bloated contracts as possible, neither wanted to win a football match last night. Both will say they’re content with a point, and both will know they could easily have won, if only they had put any effort into attacking the opposing goal.

Sunderland have swapped one pacey striker with devastating finishing, with a pacey striker with devastating finishing. While Darren Bent continues to pick up injuries just in time for England internationals, Sunderland have finally started playing their most expensive player ever.

And sorry Hammers fans, but even though this season’s relegation battle is the hardest to predict in a long time, I have yet to see three teams worse than West Ham this season. Even with Scott Parker.

Favourite thing this week: Good goals. Scott Parker, Ricardo Fuller, Lewis McGugan (again) all deserve a mention. But step forward Sidney Sam: How would you like your goal sir? Left-foot volley in the top corner please.

Follow me on twitter and overload me with more Carrollisms, and any other wonder volleys.

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  • http://www.almac8.tumblr.com Alex McCarthy

    Great article! loved all of it, but the cliche paragraph was cracking.

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